Headline dump written by lots of funny people

Breaking News: the “Campus Climate” is a tornado

Oxford Dictionary redefines the word, “willpower” as “the power of Will Weisman”

About 34% of Make it Miami students say they choose Miami because fraternities threw Fireball shooters at them during their tours

Millennials tired of being called Millennials try to get word “Millennials” recognized as a slur

Student refuses to attend class after tornado passes: “What if it comes back?”

Wicked Witch of the West pays a visit to Helen Peabody

Exclusive: George Santos opens up about his time at Farmer School of Business

Woman who is proposed to under Upham Arch tells fiance to “Grow up” and “Stop wearing your frat pin, you’re 34”

Humor editors rejoice with addition of new writers; have more time to focus on finding girlfriends

New Humor writers find that writing jokes will not get them girlfriends or increase Rizz

OPINION: Thought I was depressed, turns out I just hate the cold

Is Punxsutawney Phil spreading fake news? Weather reports show “6 more weeks of winter” was a lie

Oxford Police just obtained a fake ID-sniffing K9; underclassmen everywhere terrified

Gym Bros celebrate that the New Year’s rush has finally ended by literally throwing the weights around

Mirror pics at the Rec down 55% in February as people abandon New Year's Resolutions

Miami Dining chili cookoff leads to thousands of dollars of plumbing damage

Miami students cut back on drinking expenses to save up for March Madness gambling

Tornado reveals in exclusive interview that it was “bribed by several leading greek life members” to avoid hitting Uptown Oxford

Brick Street revealed to be power-washing the floor twice as often after Miami’s second semester sex week wraps up

OPINION: Maybe the real tornado was the friends we made along the way

To the surprise of nobody, humor writers don’t take part in sex week

As midterms begin, online tic-tac-toe and chess game rates drop across Miami