Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies



Pink Eye: An Origin Story

The origin story of Miami’s Pink Eye endemic remained mysterious until now. Pink Eye wreaked more havoc on Miami’s campus than COVID ever did and its story deserves to be told. 


Let them eat lemon bars

 Despite all of the unpleasantries that my tumultuous freshman year at Miami entailed (online classes, political strife, getting hand sanitizer in my eyes when I’d go to wipe away my tears), there was one thing that always made my day just a little better: the dining hall desserts.  


Freshmen are built different

 When I see people going out to the bars, I find myself wondering if they’re warm enough, and last weekend, I audibly said, “Sheesh, my back could not take those heels, I need more support!” to an unassuming freshman clearly just trying to enjoy her night in some killer 5-inch stilettos.  


Better Advice for Freshman

 To help you avoid stress from the rest of your way through Miami, here is a complete list of everything you need to know to make sure you graduate.


Hot Tips for College Freshmen

  Have you spent the past few weeks lying awake in your twin XL bed wondering if you peaked in high school? Asking yourself why the girls in your hall aren’t on their knees begging to wait 30 minutes for dining hall pizza with you?  Never fear: after spending weeks undercover in the class of 2025, I have collected all the tips and tricks necessary to become the coolest freshman on campus. 


A Day in the Life of My Heros

 Though I have no friends, I have been at Miami for about two years now. Looking at some other types of people on campus, here is my best estimation of their daily lives.  


Dear Ohio Weather

 Dear Ohio Weather, I’m writing to tell you that I’m afraid we are through. I cannot bear to have my heart toyed with any longer. 


Got Hugs?

 According to the World Health Organization, most humans require at least 10 hugs a day to function normally. However, COVID-19 isolation protocols make it near impossible for people to fulfill their daily hug intake.  


Woman’s Love-Life Ruined by Quarantine, Seeks Advice on How to Break Up

  I’m sure you’ve all felt it. As we near a year of pandemic living, we’re feeling a little crazy. Even the most level-headed among us aren’t immune to this sentiment; case-in-point, many newspapers have recently had to pull some of Jeanne “Dear Abby” Phillips’ columns for what they have called “frankly bonkers” advice. But here at The Miami Student, we have managed to gain access to one of these pulled columns and published it here for your entertainment.


Revamping Miami Traditions

 The traditions at Miami confuse me. To make them better, I encourage His Highness, Mr. Greg Crawford, to read carefully through my suggested edits to current Miami traditions and decide which of these options to implement in his next agenda as his current agenda of creating a diverse and inclusive environment is failing.