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I’m in love with the Mountain Dew (sung to the tune of “Shape of You”)

Maggie gazes longingly at the love of her life.
Maggie gazes longingly at the love of her life.

Mountain Dew is the love of my life. 

I know I will get hate for this, but it’s time I go public with this love affair. I don’t drink coffee, and I don’t drink tea (go ahead, make your assumptions — you’re probably correct). I don’t drink Red Bull or Monster. 

I get my daily caffeine fix from the unnaturally-colored bright green concoction, made primarily of high fructose corn syrup and chemicals I won’t even attempt to pronounce. 

Since the drink’s inception by the Hartman Beverage Company in the 1940s, 144 different flavors and variations have been introduced. Some were region-specific, some were low-calorie/sugar-free and some have been discontinued. 

Of the 144 variations, I have tried approximately 15. That’s 10%, if you round. 

So maybe I haven’t tried them all. But as an avid daily drinker of this synthetic nectar of the gods, I have strong opinions of the various flavors. 

Mostly: Baja blast is trash. 

But more on that later. Here’s my top five and my bottom five. If you disagree, you’re probably wrong. But thanks for playing anyway. 

Top five (in order of ‘best’ to ‘still good, but not perfect’): 

  1. Liberty Brew - This is hands-down the best flavor to have ever existed. This discontinued drink was only sold in stores from 2019-2020; A far too short stint for the berry-flavored liquid. Frost Bite, another blue variation, came out as a Walmart-exclusive in 2020, and tastes eerily similar to the Fourth of July blue drink. But hey, I’m not complaining. 
  2. Thrashed Apple - This flavor came out in 2021, and tastes exactly — and I mean exactly — like those green caramel apple pops. It’s way too sweet to drink on a regular basis, and it’s an even uglier green than the original Mountain Dew, but I have drank at least one bottle every week since its debut. 
  3. Merry Mash-Up - Christmas! 
  4. Original Mountain Dew - It’s a classic. You can’t go wrong with the original. And yes, I do currently have 24 bottles sitting in my room. 
  5. Sweet Lightning - This is a Kentucky Fried Chicken exclusive. The peach-flavored soda pairs perfectly with the down-home southern food made by Colonel Sanders himself. 

Bottom five (in order from ‘absolute worst’ to ‘less offensive’): 

  1. Baja Blast - I will not be taking opinions on this. I do not understand how people voluntarily drink this. I tried it one (1) time at my local Taco Bell and physically spit it into the trash can. It tastes dull and bitter at the same time, like an original Mountain Dew flavor-gone-wrong. The only redeeming quality is its beautiful mint color. 
  2. Diet Mountain Dew - I’m generally not against diet flavors of pop, but I will not pay money to drink something that tastes like it was left open under my bed for a few weeks. 
  3. Major Melon - I’ll be honest, I was really excited for this. A watermelon-flavored drink? Delicious, and perfect for a hot summer day. Update: It was not delicious. It tasted way too artificial (ironic, I know), and I only drank six bottles of it because I stupidly bought a whole pack before vetting it. 
  4. Rise Energy (all flavors) - My qualm with this one has nothing to dew (lol) with the taste, but the fact that I get violently jittery after just one can. For reference, a 16.9 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew contains 77 mg of caffeine; a 16 0z. can of Rise Energy contains 180 mg of caffeine. I’ll let you do the math. 
  5. Flamin’ hot (this is a prediction, but I stand by it) - I don’t even think I need to explain this one. It’s literally flaming hot Cheetos in caffeine water. How could this possibly be good? 

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Should I stop drinking Mountain Dew because of the possible adverse health effects? Sure. Will I? Absolutely not. In fact, I can’t wait to try the new flavor — Gingerbread Snap’d — which may find itself next to Flamin’ Hot on my list.