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There are approximately eight billion people on Earth, and I am fairly confident that I’m the only one under the age of 40 who still sets a physical alarm clock every night. I know this because everytime someone sees it lying on my desk, they react as though I’ve just showed them a dinosaur fossil.
As a seasoned, incredibly wise and profoundly mature rising sophomore at our beloved Miami University, I am officially done with the trials and tribulations of my first year. I’ve grown and evolved in the last three months.
As the semester comes to an end, I’d like to share my extravagant summer plans with you, my loyal reader (hi Mom). While my fellow biology majors are jetting off to internships or conducting research, I’ll be doing something arguably more important, asking: “Would you like fries with that?” for the third year in a row.
This is the story of a very real event that happened. When Carley Rapp the first (world-renowned Harvard Student) visited Miami University: THE Public Ivy. Here are her leaked written excerpts:
I’ve been thinking long and hard about a burning question: If I were to be granted a wish, which superpowers would I want to gain? I’ve been thinking long and hard. In lectures when I was supposed to be taking notes. In the shower. And, in the place where all of my good ideas come together (IYKYK).
In 2003, about 28% of American adults read in their free time. Just two decades later, that number drastically dropped to 16%, according to a study from iScience. This is a decrease of over 40%. As these numbers continue to decline, Americans are letting so many essential skills slip away.
08/25/2025: First day of class
Let's face it. Life is expensive, especially at the old age of 13. Eventually, the cash in Mom’s wallet disappeared, and I needed to fund my gas station snack obsession. So, I did the unthinkable. I got a job. At a pizzeria, no less.
To completely understand my desire to write for the humor section of The Miami Student, I have to give you some background information. If you’re wondering where my impeccable sense of humor came from, this article is for you.
I was warned about a lot of college rites of passage before the start of my first year. The fire alarm that goes off at 3 a.m. because someone put a fork in the microwave. The freshman 15. The awkward half-smile you give every time you see the girl you sat next to on the first day of class but never speak to again.
When Maddy Jones, a first-year kinesiology major, started to disagree with the boy she was interested in over politics, she ghosted him.
You’re probably wondering: Carley, how did you find time to write this on top of your 50 homework assignments due tonight? And to answer that question, I’d say that I have twice as much time in a day as the average person.