As far as I’ve been told, I am going to be graduating in May. I have already been forcibly removed from my post as the The Miami Student’s humor editor, and my parents keep yelling at me about something called a job. Although I am sure you’re devastated to hear that my reign of excellence is coming to an end, I promise to you, dear reader, that I will go out with a bang. With April Fool’s Day around the corner, I’ve devised the best pranks this town has ever seen. Trust me, as someone whose acceptance to Miami came under question following my high school senior prank, I really do this.
Option 1: Supergluing a toupée on President Crawford’s head
Listen, I respect President Crawford as a bald, short king. He really pulls off the look, especially when he’s wearing a suit (rawr). But, hear me out, would it not be hilarious for him to have a crappy comb-over glued to the top of his dome? I can just imagine what he would say when he wakes up: “Gee-wilikers, Dr. Crawford (he totally calls her that at home like a respectful king), what in tarnation happened to my hair?” Classic.
I think this is a strong option. However, I have a few concerns. First, while I am a menace, I am not a felon. I respect the rule of law. Second, I would not do anything to besmirch my beloved prince. And finally, I would not get to see the payoff of my prank. I think I’ll have to pass.
Option 2: Situationship hotline
I have always wondered what it's like to have ops on this campus. This could be my best op-portunity. Here’s the plan, I’d reach out to both parties with a “Miami Special” they couldn't refuse: Two packs of Zyns for him and a $25 Starbucks gift card for her. All they have to do is come to the Upham arch at a time that fits within the other’s class schedule. There, I will film a TikTok asking some simple questions (for example: “John, why are you snapping five other girls despite telling Emily you’re exclusive?”). From there, I will take them on an incredibly romantic date (have my resident assistant friend scan them into a dining hall). I’m sure this would be an incredibly helpful and productive experience.
Option 3: Stand on the corner supporting a raise in tuition
The best scare I think I can give everyone in this university is standing next to the flat earth guy and arguing for why tuition needs to be raised. For administration, they would take my protest as a sign to raise tuition so they can afford a new underwater basketweaving arena. For students, many would be afraid that, as a man of influence, I will be successful in getting tuition raised. I know I will get the attention that I deserve (but definitely don’t want, I am not an attention seeker). Once a massive crowd gathers around, I will have my camera crew run out, tell everyone they got pranked, and maintain my title as the funniest man on campus.
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