You may be wondering, “Connor, you are a silly little Farmer student, how did you get such a prestigious position as an editor at The Miami Student?” And to that I would say, “I survived a brutal war of attrition.” A whopping zero people were gunning for my position.
But, with my back against the wall, I persevered. And now, I’m here. Because I am so kind, I will share with all five of you reading this the habits/practices that led to me being selected, and ultimately becoming the GOAT, TMS humor editor.
Step 1: Become a ghost writer
When I joined The Miami Student, I made it my mission to go to every All-Staff meeting. That is, until I realized it would be a weakness. So, I stopped showing up after attending two meetings. Luckily for me, attending those two meetings did not take me out of the running to be humor editor. Knowing that my opponents would be looking for any opportunity to strike me down, I decided to lie low. I even gave up writing for an entire semester.
This lulled anyone else who would have wanted to be humor editor into a false sense of security. They started to pursue other sections, believing that they would be able to keep humor as a fallback option. But, in my infinite wisdom, I reemerged during the semester in which they started looking for a new humor editor. The job was mine. And, after asking about four other people to take the role, I was chosen as humor editor. I credit my ability to instill fear in my opponents about what I would do to them if I weren’t picked. And now I get to say I’m on the board, while producing slop that rivals AI!
Step 2: DO NOT learn how to use any of TMS’s software
For those who don’t know, TMS has a very complicated web of software that editors are required to know/use (I think I had to create accounts for two or three platforms after being selected). You may be saying, “Connor, your major is primarily coding. How can you not figure out some easy software?” It’s simple: I don’t want to. I play dumb, and in the end, I get my minions to do all of the actual work at print production.
I don’t even bother showing up to online weeks, as I have to build everyone’s patience back up. I also don’t properly share the humor articles with my editors. Why would I make the links publicly available when I could cause biweekly crashouts in the newsroom? How do I get away with it? Weaponized incompetence. You all should try it sometime - it also helps you get out of chores, work you don’t want to do on a group project and putting effort into any of your relationships.
Step 3: Use Grammarly to edit your articles
This is the cardinal sin to every other TMS editor. However, I believe this is what makes me great. Incorrect capitalization? Why not. Unnecessary punctuation? Of course! And the holy grail - the Oxford comma. I am trying to bring it back, but I am consistently silenced. Unlike everyone else at TMS, I am humble enough to admit that I am not smarter than AI. Grammarly has probably been trained on MILLIONS of books; I can’t even tell you the last time I read three pages. Unfortunately, I’m surrounded by people who are unwilling to embrace the future, and I am publicly shamed each time we print the paper.
Do not consider this an exhaustive list of tips to reach my success, but they are crucial first steps. We are currently looking for a new humor editor, so if you think you can lower the bar even further, reach out to me at:
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