Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

First Headline Dump of April

OPINION: No one cares about the cooler you painted for frat formal 

FACT: No one cares about the cooler you painted for your frat formal

New ‘Super Mario’ movie sparks rise in men who want to grow mustaches

New golf tournament called ‘The Beginners’ introduced for new golfers who dream of competing in ‘The Masters’

Queen Elizabeth rises from the dead, got bored being unalive

Youth ‘Hunger Games’ fan club goes too far, hosts Hunger Games Jr. resulting in 11 deaths before being discovered by authorities 

Miami baseball ‘too good’ for the MAC, will play rest of season in MLB

President Crawford shuts down Armstrong barber shop, calls it ‘The worst haircut I’ve never had’

Caitlin Clark and John Cena go head to head to see who owns the rights to the say ‘You can’t see me’

OPINION: Why are gingers always angry?

TRAVEL: Where to go on your next acid trip

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