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Humor writers ASG endorsement

<p>Republicans won big in elections across Butler County.</p>

Republicans won big in elections across Butler County.

With the onset of Miami University’s Associated Student Government president and vice president, The Miami Student Editorial staff endorsed candidates have won. However, the Humor Team would like to recognize the other potential candidates to this race as well (even though it’s over now). Here is a look at who each of our writers would like to see running ASG.

Shrek and Donkey endorsed by Teddy Johnson

Running on the platform, “This is OUR swamp” these candidates hope to build community through swamp renovations within Miami. 

“Everyone deserves to have a swamp they feel comfortable in. No one should feel ostracized in this swamp. Our first goal WHEN, not if, elected will be to create swamp sections in each residence hall so students can have their own swamp relax and listen to ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth on repeat until they are unstressed,” Shrek said. 

Shrek and Donkey are no strangers to being ostracized. Their original campaign in Far Far Away ended in disaster because no one thought an ass could be a vice president. 

“Most politicians are assholes anyway, but I’m actually an ass even though I am not an asshole. I just want everyone to be welcomed into a swamp like Shrek welcomed me into his swamp,” Donkey said. 

Even though their platform emphasizes everyone sharing a swamp, they are not communists. Instead they want to implement a liberal constitutional swamparchy. 

“Essentially, the swamparchy consists of Donkey and I leading from the head swamp, which will be under construction as soon as we overthrow the Humanities Center. After that, swamp construction across campus will commence,” the big green ogre said. 

Vote for Shrek and Donkey if you want a new swamp!

Shaggy and Scooby-Doo endorsed by Connor Oviatt

Shaggy and Scooby hope to make Miami history, as Shaggy would be the first minor elected to student body president, while Scooby would be the first non-human to hold any leadership position on campus. Their platform includes improving on-campus dining and ridding the campus of Helen Peabody.

Shaggy and Scooby have faced many demons in their lives, literally. One such demon included Western Dining Commons. The duo promises to drastically improve dining options on campus. The two are men of principle, and once led a hunger strike against campus dining halls. In lieu of subjecting themselves to the horrors of Miami dining, the candidates subsist on a diet of Scooby Snacks. After walking into Western Dining Commons for the first time, all Scooby could manage to say was “Ruh-roh, Raggy!”

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As we all wish we could, Shaggy and Scooby eat cookies for every meal. In fact, Shaggy completed a reverse freshman-15, and is skinnier than ever. Of course, this diet doesn’t result in the best health, which inspired the candidates’ desire for change.

Finally, our brave candidates promise to rid Miami of the scourge that is the Ghost of Helen Peabody. The pair have defeated numerous monsters and ghouls as members of Mystery Incorporated. After experiencing the incredibly terrifying haunted house known as Peabody Hall, Shaggy and Scooby decided that Helen Peabody must disappear once and for all. 

Critics argue that Shaggy and Scooby will not be able to defeat Peabody without the rest of Mystery Incorporated. President Greg Crawford, who researches ghouls and monsters in his free time, called Peabody “the scariest monster I have met … aside from my mother-in-law,” and said Shaggy and Scooby are “systemic monster fighters.”

Enemies of Shaggy and Scooby have criticized the pair's connection to the disgraced Velma Dinkley. However, Shaggy and Scooby insist that they did not approve of the HBO Max “comedy” and prefer to read The Miami Student Humor Section.

If you want to see improved dining conditions and the end of Helen Peabody, vote for Shaggy and Scooby!

Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez endorsed by Lily Wahl

Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez are longtime friends, meeting through the Jonas Brothers in 2008. Together, they are running for student body president and vice president on a platform encompassing infrastructure and student life.

Swift hopes to improve university infrastructure, focusing on residence hall living conditions.

Her credentials are strong, given her history of constructing the greatest bridges of all time. I mean, have you heard “Death by a Thousand Cuts”? “Back to December”? “champagne problems”?

Another infrastructure-related goal of Swift’s is to create a better system for students to get lost objects back, by encouraging them to release ten-minute long call-out songs to exes who stole their scarves.

“It was a Gucci scarf, so I could have gotten the police involved, but in my experience, writing the longest song to top the Billboard Hot 100 is much more efficient,” Swift told The Miami Student.

Gomez proposes an idea for improving student life — an anti-bullying campaign, with the slogan “Kill ‘Em With Kindness.” She promises that the campaign will not be taken literally, despite a Twitter frenzy over the possibility of a “no body, no crime” occurring, citing her recent feud with Hailey Bieber.

Swift also promises to use what she has learned from the ticketing process for “The Eras Tour” to improve student events, referencing visits from Jennette McCurdy and Hank Green to Miami. 

The Student asked if Swift had any concerns about her past scandals interfering with her work as student body president. 

“I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off,” Swift said in response.

Harambe for president and VP endorsed by Patrick Sullivan

Harambe is, simply put, a record breaker, and he doesn’t plan to stop now. Harambe is running for student body president and vice president: the first ever candidate to deem himself able to run both positions. From his time in the yard, also known as the Cincinnati Zoo, he learned he cannot trust anyone but himself. 

His number one priority is the safety of children. The king of the yard plans to create new infrastructure such as high fences and water moats to keep students out of places where they shouldn’t be. 

Harambe also plans on having training discussions with the Oxford Police Department about safety on and around campus. By reinforcing the Good Samaritan Policy, he hopes that people, or gorillas, will not be unfairly prosecuted for trying to help some kid in need. 

Some of you simple-minded folks might be wondering how he can run a leadership position when he is just a gorilla.

“He’s not even the gorilla that knew American Sign Language,” haters argue. 

Little do you know, Harambe is the only candidate running for student body president that has ever gotten votes to be the U.S. president. That’s right folks. Our favorite candidate, Harambe, was deemed worthy of the presidency by some brave, future-thinking souls in 2016. Sources disagree on how many votes he got, but some say it was up to 15,000. 

Now, some of you even simpler minds might make the very silly claim that he cannot be student body president or vice president because he died. For that, I say go watch “Jurassic Park.” How dare you use ChatGPT to do your homework and assume that today’s technology cannot revive a gorilla from the grave. 

If you care about redemption stories and the safety of students all around you, then you should vote for the gorilla, the myth, the legend: Harambe. 

Captain Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swan endorsed by Michael Pattee

Captain Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swan have had quite adventurous lives living out on the sea, avoiding death and drinking rum. However, they are both ready to wave goodbye to that lifestyle — except for the drinking rum part. 

Jack first fell in love with Miami after visiting Uptown. The words “Why’s the rum all gone?” never once crossed his mouth during his visit to Top Deck. In fact, it was on this visit that Jack got the inspiration for his campaign slogan “All for Rum, and Rum for All.”

Elizabeth Swan didn’t have much to say about the campaign. She did, however, explain that her husband, Will Turner, would not be returning for nearly a decade. So, family obligations shouldn’t be an issue.

Many critics point to Captain Sparrow’s drinking habits and Elizabeth’s upper-class upbringing as flaws; however, proponents argue that these actually make Jack and Elizabeth incredibly representative of the student body.

The main platform policies surround increased access to alcohol and improving campus safety, specifically against being taken hostage on another campus.

Polling already shows these two exponentially gaining support among those in sororities and fraternities. Additionally, there have been rumors circulating that there has been significant campaign funding promised from Skipper’s Pub and Top Deck.

So don’t let this be the year remembered for almost electing Captain Jack Sparrow, and don’t let the curse of the Black Pearl stop you from voting. Just remember, All for Rum, and Rum for All!