Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Green Beer Dump

OPD set to place snipers on roofs of bars to pelt unsuspecting, drunk students with water balloons 

Tax-payers push to lower drinking age to 18 after finding out the State of Ohio spends $100,000 on police resources for Green Beer Day

Upperclass students rejoice as they will finally be able to enjoy a day at the bars without freshmen

Fraternity launches new philanthropy project serving as a safe house for students being pursued by cops

Man controlling weather frustrated to learn that Miami students will still go Uptown despite high temperature being five degrees

Water fountains at Harrison Hall continue to serve up non-alcoholic beverages to students’ disappointment

Nerdy student who sits at the front of the class gets quality networking time with professors, asks “what is Green Beer Day?” 

OPINION: The only thing funnier than the Humor Section is the fact that College Republicans and College Democrats have to share an office in Armstrong

Miami University plans on stationing ROTC members at the outskirts of campus to keep underclass students from leaving to drink Uptown

Humor Editors hold new Editor-in-Chief and Managing Editor hostage, won’t release them until paid

New law passed makes skipping class for Green Beer Day punishable by meeting Helen Peabody face to face

OPD consults supply chain students after not receiving sufficient breathalyzers prior to Green Beer Day

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Student with green hair arrested, police say they “didn’t expect things to turn hairy so quickly”

Sixteen students claim that they saw “Bigfoot but green” and that all the buildings turned green and state that they were “definitely not on ‘shrooms”

Martin Dining Commons announces offerings of green toast on Mar. 16, students claim to have been eating it all year