Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Spooky Headline Dump

Parents Find the Entire Cartel Hidden in Kid’s Halloween Candy

President Crawford Spotted Trying on His New Jeffrey Dahmer Costume

OPINION: Don’t Wear a Heavy Costume If You’re Just Going to Party In a Frat Basement

Girl Gets Kicked Out of a Sorority For Going As a Gorilla and Not a Sexy Gorilla

Jersey Sales Skyrocket Due to Fraternity Brothers Looking For a Costume

OPINION: You Are a Coward If You Wait For the Walk Signal to Cross the Street

Eating Martin Dining Hall Food Found to Be Number One Cause of On-Campus Deaths

The Scariest Part of Halloween Is Getting Midterm Grades Back

Delusional Sophomore Boy Calls Paranormal Investigators Because He Keeps Getting Ghosted

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” Already Climbing Charts Despite Halloween Not Even Happening Yet

Rumors of Zombies in Oxford Revealed To Be Students Leaving Brick Street

New Study Reveals Half of Chemistry Professors Are Actually Joy-Sucking Vampires

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Biology Class Successfully Creates Frankenstein; ‘It’s Actually Frankenstein’s Monster,’ English Department Says

President Crawford Reveals He Is Not a Swiftie: Listened to Carly Rae Jepsen’s New Album Instead of ‘Midnights’

Humor Editor Living on One Hour of Sleep and No Caffeine Sparks Rumors of Ghost in TMS Newsroom

OPD Receives Multiple Reports of Paranormal Interactions: Spirits named Brandy, Ginny and Tito

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