Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Headline Dump 9/29/2022

Post Malone Claims He Is “Better Now” After Being Discharged from the Hospital Due to Broken Ribs

Stonebridge on Western Burnt to Smithereens After Jennette McCurdy tells Miami Students to “Burn Bridges With People If You Need To” 

Miami Football Team Beats Northwestern, Could Basically Beat Alabama Now

Miami Athletics Department Wants Higher Student Attendance, Makes Buying Student Tickets More Difficult 

King Charles Surprised When Subjects Refuse to Call Him Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm 

Baby Boomers Continue to Complain About No One Wanting To Work Despite 90% of Boomers Not Having a Job

YikYak Proves to Be A More Timely And Reliable News Source Compared to MUPD Safety Bulletins 

Disgruntled Student Claims He’s an Academic Weapon After Pelting His Professor With Textbooks 

Skyline Chili Fails Three Health Inspections, Sales Skyrocket

Student Who Wore Shorts to Career Fair Feels Confident in His Chances With J.P. Morgan

Opinion: Just Because It’s Fall Does Not Mean You Have to Post a Picture of Your Pumpkin Spiced Latte

Opinion: There are Other Fall Style Choices than Wearing a Jersey Over a Sweatshirt Everyday

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Friendships Have Plummeted Due to Fantasy Football Being Back in Full Swing

Queen Elizabeth’s Had the Most Watched Funeral Since Iron Man’s Funeral in Avengers: Endgame