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Dear Nestlé (Can I Call you Nes?)

Dearest Nestlé,

Humans, the lazy creatures we are, have created countless devices in order to make life easier. We have developed supercomputers to aid my Hot Pocket experiments, atomic bombs in case Putin decides to start WWIII, and telescopes that can see deep into the depths of Uranus. All these things said, how have we not developed a machine that can cook Hot Pockets all the way through?

If you have not had a Hot Pocket, you are a fool and I will explain to you the incredible intricacies of this magnificent creation. A Hot Pocket contains all the ingredients needed to sustain life: sauce, cheese, sometimes even meat; all wrapped in a savory pastry crust. Of course the ham and cheese one reigns supreme over the others. 

I love hot pockets despite growing up in an anti-Hot Pocket family. There were many times in my life I reached for a loose Hot Pocket, while my siblings glared at me in disgust. 

However, my love for Hot Pockets cannot justify the flagrant issue of these savory dough tunnels — inaccurate heating. The borders seem to be either super-hot with the center still frozen or vice versa. I can guarantee that if you take a Hot Pocket (in this trial I will allow any flavor) and microwave it for two and a half minutes, you will suffer from these temperature errors.

Nes, this isn’t even a new problem. Ever since my first Hot Pocket (circa 2003), I have burnt my mouth every single time. In fact, I struggle to taste food now because my taste buds have been through so much pain, no, so much torment of being singed by a Hot Pocket that is hotter than Greg Crawford wearing his road biking gear. As a Hot Pocket Activist and loyal consumer, I deserve better. 

I can think of three ways to fix this problem, but only one of these solutions can be considered feasible

I mean…we could stop eating Hot Pockets but this is clearly not the correct solution, nor is it economically viable. Recently, I spent all my birthday money on a Hot Pocket mega pack which contained over 100 of my beloved ham and cheese Hot Pockets. To not eat these masterful creations is a slap in the face of capitalism and waste management. It is a radical solution, but I felt it would be irresponsible of me not to mention it.

Like the prior solution, this next one sucks. How long do you think it would take for a Hot Pocket to cook in a conventional oven? According to my extensive experiments and calculations, it could take up to half an hour! And might I remind you, it takes two and half minutes to be cooked in a microwave.  Time is money and I do not know about you, but I do not have either one of those. I need more time to make money, and money to buy more Hot Pockets.

That leaves the final solution to this tragic issue: make the Hot Pocket thinner. Do not be mistaken, I like my food mega thick. For example, I eat double stuff Oreos on a daily basis and burrito bowls with double everything at Chipotle. However, as a man of reason, I ask if it is necessary to have such a thick Hot Pocket? Is it not for the thickness of the pocket that causes such pain and grief? The indisputable answer is yes. Thus, we must thin THE pocket for the betterment of our modern society

As you may have deduced, I respect this magnificent product immensely. Hot Pockets were the invisible hand on my shoulder, guiding me through the tumultuous waves of my youth. You were there for me when I broke my shin trying to do a trick on a Razor Scooter and when my sister kicked my hamster down the stairs. Even now I worship your ham and cheese wonders. However, I cannot continue to blindly support your ignorance. It breaks my heart to do this Nes-Lee but I think it is time for us (more you than me) to take a break and improve ourselves.

Your Love,

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Harrison Crone