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Breaking News: Miami University Cuts Down Friendship Tree, Cancels Friendship

Students returning from spring break noticed a major change on campus but many couldn’t quite put their finger on what was missing. 

It wasn’t until Miami’s Administration hosted a visitation for the remains of a certain tree, that people began realizing what happened. The beloved Friendship Tree that is so dear to the writers at The Miami Student, was hung, drawn, and quartered in its sleep by a group of rogue members of Tri Delta sorority. 

President Greg Crawford had this to say about the slaughtering of the beloved friendship tree, “I ordered Tri Delta to execute the Friendship Tree. The actions of Will Smith slapping Chris Rock inspired me to cancel friendship at Miami. What better way to cancel friendship than destroying the friendship tree so dear to a few of Miami’s students?”

When we requested to mummify the remains of the tree in the hope of its reincarnation into another living entity, our plea was rejected. President Crawford has other plans for the remains of the Friendship Tree. “We will be turning the remains of the friendship tree into a papier-mâché leotard for my upcoming gymnastics competition and the leaves will be fashioned into a wig so students stop mistaking my head for that mirror from Harry Potter.”

An anonymous member of the sorority expressed excitement at the prospect of massacring trees at the command of President Greg Crawford. “It makes me feel like I have a future in becoming a lumberjack. The lumberjack industry has always been dominated by males and I hope to break down stereotypes by becoming the female version of Paul Bunyan.”

Clearly, the members of Tri Delta and President Crawford did not share an intimate relationship with the Friendship Tree like we do here at The Miami Student. We pride ourselves on honest reporting, so we hit the campus sidewalks to understand just how much the removal of Miami’s least-well known traditional spot affected students. 

The responses weren’t quite what us tree huggers expected. “Honestly, I’m not really affected,” said first-year Grant Springer. “I didn’t have any friends for Miami to cancel anyways.” 

Grant’s a computer science major. We felt this necessary to note, as that’s probably why he has no friends. Grant wore no socks with Sperry shoes during the interview, so basically he’s just a loser with sweaty feet.

One student seemed confused when asked, “What did the Friendship Tree mean to you?” He uttered one of the most heretical statements ever, stating, “Yes, I read about friendship trees in kindergarten. Shel Silverstein, right?”

We attempted to correct his ignorant statements, but he would not give in. A shouting match ensued between us and the delinquent, but once we threatened to skin him, he ran away like the sieve he is. 

While the campus police were patrolling around campus, looking for someone to arrest, we had the opportunity to ask about what the Friendship Tree meant to them. Instead of answering our question, they went on a tangent about the irresponsibility seen on Green Beer Day and how the need for reinforcements was unnecessary. 

Without prompting, one officer said, “Green Beer Day brings out the worst in students here. That said, we would have had everything under control without the State Troopers coming in and thinking they are hot stuff.” Clearly, this officer felt like the State Troopers inhibited his ability to enjoy GBD to the fullest extent.

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We realize that not everyone at Miami University recognizes the tragedy, the horror committed by the Tri Delta heretics. But these writers know that President Crawford and all the Tri Delt females must be held accountable for their actions. Batman will be coming soon to bring those responsible to justice.