Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Miami invests in yellow gold

Miami University approved a controversial budget cut to the College and Arts and Sciences (CAS) and Student Counseling Services (SCS) in lieu of a more concentrated approach toward "high priority issues": mustard.

Miami plans to invest millions of dollars into a variety of mustard-related improvement efforts. Garden Dining Hall will upgrade all of its drinking fountains from Heinz to Grey Poupon.

Multiple curricula will be diverted to incorporate more mustard in the classroom. And Miami as a whole has changed its stance on the 1925 banning of sulfur mustard.

"It's becoming a little much," said Keith Goorb, a sophomore finance major who is feeling affected by the changes.

Goorb was forced to consume a full bottle of mustard last night for his mustard economics class.

"It was really tough, and I know that it's building skill for the future, but I just don't know if I can cut it," he said.

Goorb has received three failing grades in a row on his homework assignments, and one more could result in a trip to the vats.

While the changes seem unprompted, some reports suggest that the changes could be motivated by outside lobbying pressures.

Big Mustard has never been afraid to insert themselves in higher education, and the swiftness with which these changes are being made has some feeling suspicious.

The Student reached out to Miami's university president at his newly-painted yellow estate on campus, but Crawford declined to comment, other than to say that he would "prefer to be called Colonel now."

CAS' academic offices will take the greatest hit, with the majority of their funding slated to be reallocated for mustard purposes.

Reports pointed to SCS funding reductions as a likely response to the growing rates of mental health issues across campus.

Enjoy what you're reading?
Signup for our newsletter

"It was a bit of a bummer when my counselor was fired due to the budget cuts, I think my mental health has taken a hit," senior analytics major Leonard Regent said. "But at least yellow is an aesthetically pleasing color.