Celebrating 200 Years
HUMOR

Top superpowers I would absolutely abuse for one day

I’ve been thinking long and hard about a burning question: If I were to be granted a wish, which superpowers would I want to gain? I’ve been thinking long and hard. In lectures when I was supposed to be taking notes. In the shower. And, in the place where all of my good ideas come together (IYKYK).

And to be clear, I will not be saving a cat from a tree or doing anything heroic whatsoever. The cat got itself up there; the cat can figure out how to get down. Instead, I’m going to focus on the important things --- making life a little bit more convenient for me.

Invisibility

Think about it. All the times you’ve walked past someone you only kinda know, but didn’t have the energy to do the whole, “Omg hiiiiii, we should totes hangout girl!” thing with. All of a sudden, you were never walking anywhere close to them.

Literally any conversation you don’t want to be a part of, you could just POOF and vanish. Imagine the power:

Chemistry lab teaching assistant: “Was that you who I just saw mixing food coloring in water without goggles??”

Me: “Prolly, yeah.”

Chemistry lab teaching assistant: “And what is your name, missy–”

POOF. Gone.

Flying

God knew I’d be too powerful if I had the ability to fly. I’m already awesome, the universe couldn’t risk making me perfect too. That would be unfair to the rest of you.

Picture me soaring past you peasants who drop $4 on a sketchy bus ride to get Uptown. I’d use my flight in the most advantageous way possible: Cutting the two-hour Brick line. What’s the bouncer going to do? Reach up? I have the high ground, bucko.

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No cover for the girl with wings. Seems cool to me. (To my future employer: This is satire. I love Excel and I’ve never actually been outside. Please hire me.)

Infinite MUlaa

Oh, the things I could do.

I’d be the first person in history to look at a Starbucks barista and say, “Yes, the $500 upcharge for cold foam is completely fine. Here’s my gold bar.”

I might even splurge on one of those overpriced fruit cups from Emporium, which contains nothing but two mushy grapes and an apple slice that looks like it’s already been bit in half. Maybe I’d even buy two and leave one on a nearby table to show everyone I’ve truly made it.

Mind reading

If you don’t already know by now, chemistry isn’t really my thing. We’ve been going through a very messy, public divorce for a few years now. Since I’m not getting the house or kids, I feel entitled to some sort of compensation, which is why I need the right to read minds.

Reading minds during an exam wouldn’t be cheating per se, just think of it as… peer reviewing. If my scantron looks identical to the smartest kid in class, it’s a result of two great minds thinking alike. 

Besides, I am a trendsetter. Maybe they were the ones reading my mind. You don’t know.

The verdict

Let this be a warning that one day when I get superpowers (because I will), I will not be the hero Gotham needs. Everyone knows Batman is real and can handle that himself.

rappcr2@miamioh.edu

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