The cat is out of the bag – we have secretly been the coolest duo this campus has ever seen. Not only are we the coolest, but we have the coolest group name ever created: “the Bunk Buddies” (you can guess who was on the top and bottom of the bunk bed).
How did we get our name, you ask? Our third roommate beat us to our dorm on move-in day, inadvertently altering the path of the universe forever. We have been trying to stay under the radar; however, Michael is breaking the group up at the end of the semester (apparently seeing me every day is worth less than paying a metric crap ton in tuition). So, to give Mikes the send-off he deserves, we thought we’d chronicle our best moments in hopes that we inspire our replacements.
Our origin story: Welcome Weekend edition
As soon as we moved in, we experienced love friendship at first sight. We dined on elegantly-rubberized steak at our new favorite eater (Western dining commons). We had a romantic portrait drawn of us (got a caricature drawn at Armstrong). We got plants for each other (the free succulents the Crawfords give out each year). We sat on the lawn and watched fireworks together. And, of course, we ended the night by sharing our bunk bed. We feel bad that our neighbor had to be a third wheel on such a special evening, but it was necessary to begin society’s healing from a traumatic few years prior.
Our first act of heroism: Saving the Earth.
The universe, knowing such a powerful force we would be, put us together in perhaps the most important course a college freshman could take: environmental biology. And our professor knew that we had the potential to save the world from day one, when Connor stood up in front of the class and said carbon emissions are bad.
Together, we learned about such important things as the Cod Wars, a tragic and bloody battle in which the stupid British fought their neighbors over fish, bonded over hydropower, and ultimately ended all unnecessary waste in Young Hall room 268. We completely changed our Miami ecosystem, and are proud to say that we deserve a medal for our efforts.
Our second act of heroism: Bringing laughs to The Miami Student.
We have undoubtedly made this campus a better place by bringing some much-needed tom-foolery to this all too respectable newspaper. Our journey to becoming chief funny people started with Michael signing us up to write for the humor section – without asking Connor if he would like to join.
We both received articles from the previous humor editors, and, feeling as though he was already in too deep, Connor stuck around. The irony of the situation is that Connor is now the humor article, while Michael can’t be bothered to author a byline without Connor forcing him to collaborate. But, at least Michael shows up to the humor meetings (2 p.m. on Mondays, by the way) for some much-needed pookie time.
Our third act of heroism: Walking on water
As you can see from the image attached to this article (web version only), the two of us walked on (frozen) water. While the photo was taken before our sophomore year glow-up, it gives you an idea of the magical powers we have.
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As we get closer to Michael’s sad departure from this university, we might share more stories, depending on how generous we’re feeling. Stay tuned, or don’t. We’re not your dads.
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