Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Summer headline dump

Student discovers the final is cumulative and breaks down in King

HELP: I still cannot read my Degree Audit

POLL: 26% of students said the most important issue in the upcoming elections is lowering the drinking age to 18

STYLE: Wearing sports jerseys to class and the bar, even if your team is not playing, is the new fad 

Will Weismann finally gets to have a Wednesday without country music

Teacher confused when students Ben Dover, Kari Mysac, Justin DeFront and Anita Dump have 0% attendance for the semester

ADVICE: You can’t stress about your final if you don’t know it’s happening

BREAKING: Record number of Google searches asking “Why didn’t I find my Miami Merger” 

Harry Potter fan club members jealous of graduating Seniors’ robes

Humor writers lament over never receiving emails from fans, realize we’re the only ones who think we’re funny

OPINION: Spring allergies are the worst thing to happen since Miami switched to a new Bannerweb website

Miami students send notes to their parents’ bank account as a thank you for their paying for their Ford Broncos, Jeeps and literally everything else

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Miami parking services admit to being members of the KGB, ANTIFA and funneling money from students for their own personal meth lab 

OPINION: F*** registration 

Wearing your sorority clothes around campus raises your coolness by 10%, study finds

Humor writers to start an OnlyFans to garner more attention to their section

OPINION: Being a Miami athlete makes you the coolest person around and you should make sure everyone else knows how entitled you are