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Places I want to visit for spring break

“Oh the Places You’ll Go” was a book written by Dr. Seuss. Dr. Seuss lived in imagination land and did not appreciate the harsh reality that you cannot just travel to any old place you’d like without a price. 

“You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.”

It costs $600 to fly from Oxford to Miami, Florida.

You can’t just join the high fliers, Dr. Seuss.

“And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go!”

Not everyone is a world famous author. Some of us are going wherever we can find a job this summer. Some of us have even succumbed to survive a summer in Wooster, Ohio, just for a paycheck.

If Dr. Seuss can live in imagination land and pretend that nothing can stop us from going wherever our heart desires, then allow me to present to you my imaginary list of dream spring break destinations. 

Candy Land

Do I really need to explain this one? 

Everyone remembers frolicking around the life size candy on the board game, Candy Land. Imagine spring breaking there. You’re seven beers deep by noon jumping on gum drops and taking bites out of licorice vines. 

The sand you’re walking on is really just Nerds that you can scoop into your mouth by the handful. Go fishing for some delicious Swedish Fish. 

Your dentist would have a heart attack when you came back, but you can’t say that sugar high wouldn't carry you right through your severe hangovers all day. 

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Hundred Acre Wood

Right off the bat, this destination might not seem all too tantalizing. I mean, who wants to vacation in 100 acres of trees, right? You will after I start dropping the names of celebrities who live in these woods.

Ever heard of Winifred Robin? Better known by his stage name, Winnie the Pooh. I know you would love a chance to hang out with Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. 

I don’t know about you, but I want to try whatever gives Tigger his bounce every morning. And you can’t tell me poor, depressed Eyeore doesn’t know how to throw back some tequila to mask his pain. 

Where do I sign up to party with that crew?

Emerald Bay

At first glance, Emerald Bay seems like any old college spring break spot, but it is so much more. At this bay, you would be in the hottest, safest hands because this is the home of “Baywatch.”

Because we are journeying through the depths of my imagination, we will imagine that this Baywatch team is a combination of the prime ’90s team and the 2017 movie team. Imagine you combined the ’90s Chicago Bulls dynasty with the Lebron James that came back down 3-1 in the NBA finals. That’s what you’re working with in the case of attractive lifeguards. 

I would purposely try to drown myself every couple of hours just to get prime Pamela Anderson or Alexandra Daddario to be my prince charming and scoop me up, carrying me off into the sunset. 

If I’m being honest, it would even be cool if The Rock cradled me up. He could probably throw me so high. 

South Dakota

I’m sure you all have heard about the “50th state” called South Dakota. We’ve read all about the idea of this land being in the continental U.S., but I’m not convinced it actually exists. Which is why, the last place on my imaginary spring break list is South Dakota.

According to legend, South Dakota is home to many different species of aliens, and there are a ton of super credible sources who have been lucky enough to see, and even get probed by, them. 

There’s also this fantastical mountain with humongous heads miraculously jutting out of the top. It’s so ridiculous that I have no idea how they got up there. A lot of people suspect aliens, like the pyramids. 

The main attraction of hypothetical South Dakota is the man himself. Bigfoot. Sasquatch. Yeti. Uncle Bill. I’ve heard all of the names of this giant, hairy, ape of a man who lives in caves and poops in the woods. He really doesn’t sound all that different from my dad. If he’s anything like my dad, though, he sure would know how to throw down a dangerous amount of alcohol.