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My final words of wisdom

I like to consider myself a sage of unending wisdom. Nobody else does, so it’s important for me that I do. Over the past four years that I have written for The Miami Student, I have been kind enough to spread some of that wisdom with my two avid readers. Thanks, mom and grandma!

I have dropped bits of knowledge about surviving your first year, fake ID's and failed relationships, another first year article (I really should’ve come up with more ideas for articles), Tinder advice and how to avoid the cops. It’s weird. Nobody has ever once asked me for advice about anything, but I have found a way to write six different articles filled to the brim with free advice. So it’s only fitting that I write one more advice article for those about to graduate.

Call your loved ones

Call your loved ones. Call each and every one of them, no matter how close or distant you guys are. Call them, tell them how much you love them and then ASK FOR A JOB!

Finding a job the traditional way is hard, and it takes a lot of work. First, you have to be qualified for the position you are applying to. Ew. Then, you need to actually write stuff down on a piece of paper and give it to people. If that works, you have to actually talk to people and pretend to be uber passionate about Microsoft Office.

Believe me, it is so much easier to just ride the coattails of your much more successful distant relative. That’s what I hope to do, anyway. 

Be sure to stay in touch

Be sure to stay in touch with your friends from college. Stay in touch with people you weren’t even that close with. There is nothing sweeter than a nurtured friendship over years, especially when that friend becomes famous and/or successful. That’s when you cash in your chips. 

The more people you stay in touch with, the better your chances of getting flown in a private jet for free are. For example, I have a pipe dream of becoming a famous stand up comedian. I know 80% of my “friends” are just hanging around for the off-chance that I will make it big and will give them free cars.

I don’t blame them.

Never forget your roots

When you graduate and grow up, it is so important for you to remember your roots. Never become too old or mature to come back here and party like college kids. 

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There is absolutely nothing a fraternity brother likes more than a bald 40-year-old with a backwards hat talking about the good ‘ole days in the frat house and asking them if they still go to CJs. Likewise, girls love nothing more than to see their suburban moms drunkenly dance with some frat guy in front of her embarrassed daughter and appalled husband. Love and honor, baby!

Last but not least:

Beg for money

There’s no facade for this one. Beg for money. You’re going to need it. You already know the second we receive our diplomas, Miami University will send emails asking us for money. It’s only fair that we pass it on. There’s no shame in it. 

Have you noticed that your grandparents aren’t putting the same amount of cash in your birthday cards recently? Call them out on it. You sure need the money more now than you did at 11. If a scammer calls trying to swindle money out of you, reverse it. Try to swindle them. The job market is tough, and prices are rising. Go beg for money, just stay away from my street corner.

If you follow these last few words of wisdom, you will be in good hands. It has been an honor and a privilege to guide you through the ups and downs of these past four years. Hopefully I made you chuckle, or at least swiftly blow air through your nose, a couple times. 

Congratulations and good luck to those graduating! Time to become adults and figure out how to do our own taxes.