On Sunday, Sept. 25, six Miami University students were arrested for underage drinking, and if I had to guess, all six were freshmen. It seems the post-COVID college newbies have no understanding of how to avoid mommy and daddy getting a phone call from OPD their second month on campus. Since, clearly, you freshmen do not know how to stay out of the back of a cop car, I feel like I need to impart some of my wisdom.
Never fear underclassmen. I am an established Junior, and therefore, know exactly what I am talking about. Follow these simple steps and you never have to worry about getting caught by the OPD again.
First, don’t go outside. Never leave your dorm. How can you do something illegal if you never leave your premises? Any time you step outside, you are crossing into OPD territory and they’ll set their dawgs on you. And not the furry ones.
If you absolutely must go outside, try not to breathe. I understand that this might seem like an impossible task, but it is pertinent to not get arrested. You see, if you breathe, that is probable cause because you know who else breathes? Underage drinkers. Exactly. You can’t get mixed up with that unruly crowd.
Hypothetically, let’s say you ignored my first two pieces of advice and are now outside and breathing. Upperclassmen who are of age to consume those Brick Street toxins, you are on your own. Underclassmen, keep reading.
Underclassmen, you have ignored my first two pieces of advice and are now wondering what to do.
Get a fake ID.
Don’t get a good one. Get one so bad that it makes Superbad’s McLovin ID look like a passport. Think about it. Every bouncer and police officer in Oxford are looking very hard between actual ID’s and very good fake IDs. With your cardboard ID from Alaska they will assume that it is so bad, it must be real.
Do not worry about not being able to find one. Go to any upperclassman’s house, knock on the door and ask where you can get a fake ID. They will most likely direct you to their friend, Chad, who will give you two terrible IDs for the cheap price of $150.
Okay, so you have your fake ID. Now what? March right up to Brick with 20 of your freshman friends. Make sure you are wearing your high school t-shirts to represent your beloved alma mater.
Now this part is very important. When you give your ID to the bouncer, look as nervous as possible and be sure to avoid eye contact. The bouncer will naturally assume you are bored from the hundreds of times you have done this before.
When they ask you what your address is, hesitate a little. You have to keep the bouncer guessing. Do you know your fake address? Or don’t you? Make the bouncer sweat a little.
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After this, the bouncer will most likely make you wait in the 18 line. That is okay. Your cover is not blown just yet. Make sure that during your entire time in line you grumble about how you are too old for the 18 line and that this is such crap.
Congratulations. You have made it outside of your dorm, through the herd that is the 18 line at Brick, and you have finally paid the $20 cover to make it into the pearly gates of Brick’s front doors.
Now is the fun part. It is time to make some friends. Go up to every person who has a wristband and beg them to buy you a drink. Remember kids, it's a numbers game. The more people you ask, the more likely one of them will give in. Keep in mind that they were all in your place once, so they should be more than happy to buy you, a random freshman, a trashcan.
Let’s say you had a great night. Someone charged you $40 to buy you a trashcan so you were feeling it. Now it’s time to get home. One last part of your night until you are safe at home. Be as drunk as possible and make sure to stumble everywhere. If you can, running into trash cans is a plus.
Don’t forget to walk directly in front of the police station because it is on your way home. I cannot stress this enough. Be as loud and obnoxious as possible all the way to your dorm because you never know who is watching and who will be impressed by how much alcohol you consumed.
Congratulations. Somehow you made it home safe and sound. Time to do it all over again next weekend, and the weekend after that, and the weekend after that, and the weekend after that, all the way until you’re 21. Remember my wise upperclassman advice and stay safe out there, underclassmen.