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It’s official: I’m a zynner

Alas, my dear Zyn, what doth make thee so beautiful? Thine buzz giveth me the shivers …

If I were to write a poem about Zyns, that is how it would start. But why would anyone write about a nicotine pouch you bury in your upper lip?

Because. Our society obsesses over these little white lip pillows that give you such a buzz you’ll think you are in The Bee Movie. 

But more importantly, Zyns are like narcan for beer. If you feel sleepy, pop some upper deckys and you’ll feel like a new person.

Zyns are necessities all the time, but most importantly on a night out. The problem is that each can only has 15 pouches. After pounding beers and slugging claws, a can of Zyn diminishes faster than Joe Biden’s memory. 

The solution? Ask someone else for a Zyn. Don’t know how to ask? Here are my suggestions:

Hey, you got any Tucker Carlzyns?

Got any Zynacchino’s?

My good sir, doth thou have an upper decky?

Anyone seen Christzyn McCafferey around here?

Yes, I would like a 6 milli lip pilly please and thank you.

You, sir, look simply amazyn tonight.

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There is probably a Reddit page full of different names for Zyns in case you are looking for suggestions. Now that a Zyn has been secured, make a toast with a friend, then place your tired lip on the best pillow known to man. 

Then voìla, refreshed and ready. Everyone notices your revitalization. So much so that someone in the back yells, “Get this man his keys!” to which the rest of the bar erupts in approval. 

I mean, Christzyn McCafferey didn’t get a nickname because he’s the best white running back of all time. No! It's because he pops upper decky 6 mili vanilly lip pilly with the people!

It provides bravery where there is none! Tucker Carlzyn landed an interview with Vladimir Putzyn, one of the most difficult tasks in exzynstince!

Before we know it, zyns will be in space. 

Ah the admiratzyn I have for thee zynnachino.


john1595@miamioh.edu

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