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How I spent my Valentine's Day

Womp womp.

Another Valentine's Day as a bachelor.

Friends were asking me, “Teddy, what are you doing for Valentine’s Day?”

My answer? Giving my latissimus dorsi a pump helps me to drown out the sorrow of being single on the cheesiest holiday of the year.

Judging from the crowd of the Rec, I was not the only single dude with this idea. Many of these gym goers, myself included, live by ancient gym scripture that goes like this (excerpt from the Book of Jim 2:14).

“Where do we hide feelings? In our muscles. The only way to hide more feelings is by getting bigger muscles.”

The congregation of Jim all had the same idea this V-Day. From the windows to the wall, single men are grunting, pushing themselves and hoping that one day all this pain will be worth it. 

It’s the largest gathering of addicted white men since the Jan. 6 riots in the Capitol. 

In case you didn’t know, Valentine’s Day is the second most crowded day of the year at the Rec. The most crowded day is actually Monday. 

But that’s beside the point. The wise wizard (bodybuilder) Sam Sulek, sitting in his mighty throne (lat machine) declares to the masses (me), the key to surviving Valentine’s Day alone. 

“It’s simple,” he says. “We kill the fatman.”

“If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?” I retort. 

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Sulek smiles wryly and replies, “If you are good at something, never do it for free.”

He wasn’t much help. 

Next, I did what any logical person would do to find answers — open Reddit on my phone. 

I scrolled through forums about bread stapled to trees for hours to find answers and found nothing. Being the disheartened Teddy that I am, I opted to hide in The Woods (the bar, not the forest) and do some soul searching. 

After a few sips of happiness juice (shots of Rumpleminze), I came to realize that it's OK to be alone on Valentine’s Day. 

My dad always says, “There are plenty of fish in the sea.” 

To my fellow single kings, there are plenty of options out there. Stay strong.