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HUMOR: Unaccompanied men in sorority dorms lead to policy changes

Reports of unaccompanied men in sorority dorms has led sororities and the Office of Residence Life to enact some policy changes.

Apparently, unaccompanied men in sorority dorms made some people understandably uncomfortable. 

When men are left alone, bad things can happen. Remember the Treaty of Versailles? An all male conference deliberated and made this treaty to screw over the Germans after World War I (WWI). 

How did this treaty turn out? Bad. There was a sequel to WWI, which no one asked for. 

Now, men visiting a sorority dorm must be escorted everywhere they go, whether that be to take a dump or visit their girlfriends. 

Men are not even trusted to go take a piss by themselves anymore which is once again, understandable.

A recent story I heard through the grapevine really set some people off and probably brought these new changes to fruition. 

A man, who I will call John, informed me of a humorous instance that took place a few weeks ago. After John went Uptown for a night out with his girlfriend, the pair went home to the girlfriend’s dorm to get some much needed sleep. 

If you are anything like me and need four or five piss breaks a night, when nature calls, it CALLS.

Unfortunately, nature called, and John’s dazed-self forgot to prop open the door to let himself back in after some much needed relief. To make the situation worse, his girlfriend's room is directly across from the RA’s room, and he was only clothed in his underwear. 

John initially tried knocking on the door. After no response, he resorted to banging it instead. The noises alerted the RA, who woke up to an underwear-clad college aged boy banging on the door of a sorority girl’s dorm room at 3 in the morning. 

Not suspicious at all. 

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The RA, doing her job, would not let John back in and told him to go home. 

But it was 3 a.m., and John had no clothes. 

The RA was kind enough to bless John with some booty shorts and a way too tight t-shirt to make the freezing-cold trek home. John trudged his half-drunk ass home in the cold, wearing booty shorts and a way too tight t-shirt.

To make the story even better, the RA, once again doing her job, called the police after John left and his girlfriend awoke to Miami University Police Department officers asking about Captain Underpants banging on her door at 3 a.m. 

There are some lessons that can be learned from this event. 

For the boys, if you do have to relieve yourself in the middle of the night, make sure you wake up your girlfriend first. Clearly you can’t be trusted to piss on your own. 

For the ladies, invest in a tracking device or a kid leash, but make your boyfriend pay for it. If your boyfriend really wants to hang out with you, then these expenses will make only a minor dent in the bank account.

Kid Leashes prevent kids or men from running away unaccompanied or where they are not wanted (read: Sorority Dorms).

They also come in many different sizes and animals so your man can find a new best buddy strapped to his chest. 

This issue is ongoing, and The Miami Student will continue to cover the situation. 

john1595@miamioh.edu

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