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The BEST Halloween

Everyone has that one birthday, Christmas or Halloween that sticks out above the rest. 

For my loyal humor readers, I will now share with you the best Halloween I ever had. 

Many moons ago, grade school Teddy, along with my best friend Timmy, and friends Jack W., Jack M., and Camdyn, went trick or treating around my neighborhood. 

For about an hour, my neighborhood gang — Captain America, a 1920s gangster and a pirate — looted the neighborhood of candy. We were too cool for traditional candy bags, so we used pillow cases instead, which doubled as weapons to hit with your friends or try and strangle them with. 

On our way back to headquarters (my basement), a guy in a red van wearing a Michael Myers style hockey mask kept driving by, so we sprinted back as fast as our little legs would take us. 

Our little gang told the gang leaders (our dads) about the scary man following us. The dads kind of dismissed it at first, but the moms (the real gang leaders) forced the dads to go back out with us because we wanted to get high (on sugar). 

We refueled our depleted energy sources (ate mom’s famous chili) and went back out on the hunt. 

After trick or treating a few more houses, our masked foe reappeared.

The unknown man walked down the middle of the street, bloody sword in hand.

My friend Camdyn courageously approached the Mr. Myers wannabe and tried to goad him into taking off the mask. 

Camdyn’s courage mimicked that of a first-year boy after having one too many trash cans: too much self-confidence. 

The villain did not take kindly to Camdyn’s jeer and swung his sword (plastic) at my friend, striking him in the finger. While Camdyn ran back to us showing his ‘maimed’ finger, Michael Myers hopped into his red van and sped off. 

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Now the gang leaders, infuriated by the injustice done to their offspring, joined in on the hunt. 

While my friends and I walked in a huddle together on the sidewalk, the dads walked in a horizontal line down the middle of the street, looking like they were straight out of Ghostbusters. 

Then lo and behold, the red van appeared from around the corner. But this time, the foe was met by a surprise: four alpha dads blocking the road so he could not escape. The red van stood still while its headlights illuminated the gang leaders marching toward it, sending chills through my spine.

Jack W.’s dad flanked the driver side of the car while the other dads flanked the other side. He said to the masked Myers, “Put it in park son, put the car in park.”

Clearly shaken by the presence of alpha dads, Michael Myers screeched off leaving tire marks and smoke in our wake.

The mini-gang members and I rejoiced at the sight of our foe speeding away! We hooted and hollered all the way back to headquarters like Miami boys yelling at each other Uptown for no other reason than being obnoxious. 

To celebrate our victory, we went into my basement and chucked candy at each other so hard that it left whopper size bruises all over our body. No better way to revel in our victory than having a candy war in the basement. 

No Halloween will ever come close to this one.