Humor writers are unable to come up with funny articles; lazily fall back on a ‘Headline Dump’

OPINION: Make It Miami kids would make me happy if they stopped judging me

Hula hoop competition between Greg Crawford and Elizabeth Mullenix breaks out in ASG pavilion, drawing crowd of hundreds

Gatlinburg, Tennessee, officially changes name to Fratlinburg due to overabundance of frat formals in the Smoky Mountain tourist trap town

UP Magazine sued by Disney Studios for stealing name from Pixar film

Climate change deniers cite 40-degree weather in May as ‘evidence global warming doesn’t exist’

Mothers from around Ohio invited to VIP experience at Yung Gravy concert; Miami claims it is a second alumni weekend

Rising sophomores relieved to find out they no longer have to be the dumb first-years at New Bar

Brick Street announces plans to launch a daycare over the summer to draw in younger crowd

Miami’s acceptance rate rising to 100% next term making it impossible for students not to get in

The Miami Student humor section no longer smallest active section; chaos ensues in publication

Graduating finance major who does not have a dad at J.P. Morgan now looking for openings at your local fast food chain

Marketing major fails his intro to marketing exam after filling in everything with crayon

Humor writers still unable to find significant others; record streak lengthens to 3.5 years (I still miss you, Jenny)

Philosophy major answers every exam question with a question of their own, gets an A

As finals week approaches King Library sees its first fraternity and sorority member visitors, offers them coke in hopes they will return