Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

A Miami students' Christmas list

Dear Santa,

I am trying extra hard to get myself back on the Nice List and hope it is not too late. In order to do this, I thought I would save you some time. I took the liberty of writing what basically every Miami student wants for Christmas this year in one letter so you wouldn't have to waste your time rereading the same thing 17,000 times. I present to you: The Miami students’ Christmas list.

Classes to be pass/fail

We all remember a simpler time: seniors were sophomores, freshmen were children, masks covered our faces, classes were virtual, bars were closed down, and kids were bored to death. Okay, so it wasn’t a simpler time, but it came with one nice amenity. All of our classes were made pass/fail optional. This means there were students ending their freshman year with no GPA. We, as a student body, took that for granted and did not use it as effectively as we should have. So we want it back.

A Miami Merger

Every student that walks these halls has had to hear about some couple that fell in love on the Brick dance floor and put a ring on it. Everybody’s classmate’s friend’s cousin’s parents were a Miami Merger and, frankly, we’re tired hearing about it. Every pre-college tour acts as if the Miami Merger is a sure thing. Well, after years of looking for my merger, I can confidently say that it is not. So now, on behalf of our student body, I am looking to Santa to bring us our Mergers!

Brick VIP Pass

“If I have to stand in this slow, sweaty line crowded by freshmen with fake ID’s one more time, I’m gonna lose it,” says every single person in the Brick line. And yet, every single weekend, they are back in the same unmoving line. Santa, we can only beg that you make Will Weisman’s heart grow three sizes and start handing out those coveted Brick VIP Passes. 

A New Fake ID

Speaking of Brick, all of the under 21’s in our student body ask for a new fake ID. Do you understand that Brick’s cover is now $11.33!? That is just about the price of a Trashcan! How am I expected to pay that cover, plus $50 worth of drinks? It’s outrageous. The average current fake ID says students are anywhere from 23 to 26. Frankly, a scrawny 18 year old trying to pass off their 26 year old sister's ID isn’t working anymore. We need updated ones now. Standing in that line of freshmen who haven’t gotten their fake ID order yet is humiliating and exasperating. Please, do us a solid on this one, Kringle.

For Chipotle to finally be stocked

The student body feels like this one isn’t too much to ask for. There is nothing worse than walking in there  at 6 p.m. on a  Sunday night after a day of studying hungover only to stand in line for 30 minutes. Because here’s how it goes: You make it through the line that’s out the door, and finally it is your turn to order. You ask for brown rice. They’re out of it. You ask for chicken. They’re out of it. You ask for corn. They’re out of it. You ask for lettuce because surely they will still have lettuce. No, they’re out of it. You end up walking out of there with a bowl of beans, cheese, and sour cream. And to make matters worse, they are out of utensils. You are left to scoop it out and eat it like a Chimpanzee. Please, Santa, stock up our Chipotle. 

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(on behalf of The Miami Student Body)