Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

A Christmas Carol: Miami Edition

‘Twas the night before Christmas…

Cecil lies, quaintly snoring in his little residence hall. How he can sleep this soundly few can know. During his first semester at Miami, Cecil threw a ping-pong paddle through a window, urinated on toilet seats on purpose, hopped the fence at Brick, and much, much more. 

It is safe to say that he did not embody the Christmas spirit and his soul was in mortal danger. 

But lo and behold, the ghost of Christmas past appeared to him in the middle of the night proclaiming, “Cecil, I am the ghost of Christmas past!”

Cecil, alarmed by the ghost's presence, exclaims, “BRO WHAT?!”

“I am the ghost of Christmas past. You have been a very bad young man.”

Cecil snickers, “That’s kinky…”

“Enough! Follow me,” says the ghost as it motions towards a magical door that appeared in Cecil’s room.

Cecil followed the ghost through the door and ended up at Brick Street! 

“What sorcery is this?” he thought to himself. 

The scene at Brick seemed all too familiar to him. The Breland Country Night concert happened days ago… how could this be? Before Cecil knew it, he was seeing himself! 

“What is this?” Cecil asked. 

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“You from a few days ago,” the ghost replied.

Cecil was then watching himself make out with a random girl in the corner of the bar. “What’s wrong with doing that? Tons of people makeout at Brick.”

“True, but no one wants to see that. Brick is hallowed ground. There is a reason Makeout Monday is a thing.”

“But it was fun!”

“Yes, but you also jumped the fence after being asked to ‘Try the front door’ and you vomited all over the upstairs toilets.”

Cecil giggled at his debauchery. 

“Fine!” exclaimed the ghost angrily. “Time for you to see the ghost of Christmas present.”

The ghost snapped his fingers. Cecil was then transported before a figure that possessed the bald head of Greg Crawford, sitting on a giant pile of fruit. 

“Behold, I am the ghost of a Christmas present…I mean Christmas present!”

Cecil chuckled, “Didn’t know Christmas presents died. LOL.”

“Alas, you are almost as funny as a Humor Editor. Let us travel to your nearest presents, excuse me, your near present and see what is beholds.”

The ghost flicked his magical fruit and they teleported to Hahne Hall. 

“I don’t live here,” said Cecil with wide eyes.

“Yes, but remember that girl you were making out with at Brick?” said the ghost with a smirk.


“Everyone knows that no one is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend at the bar. However, this girl did not. Watch the events that unfold…”

The near present form of Cecil and the girl are watching a movie in her room.

Cecil says to her, “I gotta take a poops. Be back in 5.”

As he leaves the room, he lights up a ciggy cig right under the smoke detector, setting off all the sprinklers in Hahne Hall. 

Present day Cecil erupted in laughter. “That has got to be one of my best pranks ever.”

The ghost's face became stern. “That girl will drown if you do not do something about it.”

“Eh, if she drowns from a sprinkler she deserves to die. What an idiot.”

The ghost let out a “hmph” and said, “Seems that there is nothing I can do to change you. Let us see what HE can do.”

Before Cecil could ask who, the ghost flicked his magical fruit and Cecil teleported to a graveyard. 

A hooded figure towered over him. A deep black hood covered its visage, and the only thing visible was its skeleton hands. 

A frightened Cecil asked the hooded figure, “Who are you?” Instead of replying, the figure pointed to something over Cecil’s shoulder. 

He turned around and before him was Joe Biden clad in his spandex-cycling wear, repeatedly falling off his tricycle. Cecil tried to look away but could not!

“Why can’t I look away?!” exclaimed a horrified Cecil.

The hooded figure exhaled saying, “If you do not change your dastardly ways, you will spend eternity watching this scene on repeat.”

Cecil screamed through his tears, “OKAY, I WILL CHANGE!”

“Pinky promise?” said the bone chilling voice of the ghost of Christmas yet to come. 

“I pinky promise!”

As the last syllable of the word came out of his mouth, Cecil was back in his bed staring at his ceiling.

“Phew, what a night,” he said. 

From that night on, Cecil’s soul was saved and he did no more evil.

Merry Christmas everyone and remember to embody the Christmas spirit or else…