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Headline Dump 9-19-2022

Miami Dining Assumes That Students Don't Eat Food On Labor Day, Closes Dining Halls at 4:30 p.m.

Opinion: Women Don’t Owe You Sex if You Buy Them a Drink

Idiot Man Thinks FWORD Protest At Armstrong is Protesting the “F-Word”

Hydro Flask Dropped on Armstrong Glass Seal Causes Deafness in Nearby Pedestrians 

Miami University Manages to Be First University to Have 103% Acceptance Rate, Explains Campus Wide Shortages 

Woman Sues Miami Over “ChickenGate”: Found Chicken On Her Mac and Cheese Despite Selecting “No Chicken” in GrubHub

“Oh My God, the Browns Won?” Students Shocked by Browns Win

Dirty Dodds No Longer Known as “Dirty” Dodds but Dapper Dodds

Oxford Chipotle Sucks

Study Finds Smoking a Cigarette on the Brick Patio to be the Best Form of Self Care

Memes About Queen Elizabeth’s Death Rival The Infamous PSAT Memes

Admissions Office Admits to Scamming Students Into Thinking They Are Getting An Ivy League Education by Making Up the Term “Public Ivy”

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US News Rates Miami as 105th Best School in the Country, Surprises Nobody

Barstool Sports Rates Miami as 11th Best Party School in the Country, Surprises Nobody

Oxford Chipotle Really Sucks

Opinion: The Sidewalks at Miami Get Watered More than the Grass

Chanks Floor Collapses After Too Many Delta Upsilon Boys Crowd in “Their Corner” of the Bar