Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

What Do Girls Look For in a Guy?

Finding the answer to this question proves to be especially difficult for college-aged men like myself. Countless generations of men have sought the answer, and only a select few, such as, but not limited to, Tom Holland, Cristiano Ronaldo or Greg Crawford have figured out the answer to this enigma. 

Nobody desires to better understand what goes on inside the incredibly complex female mind, than me. So, I journeyed into the depths of Miami’s campus to find the answer to one of life’s most burning questions. 

I began my research by knocking on random doors in the various residence halls of North Quad. As people began to open the doors, I would explain to them that I am conducting a research project for The Miami Student. 

The second I mentioned that I am a writer for the school newspaper, the door slammed right in my face. Contrary to popular belief, being a Humor Editor does not pick up chicks. 

But lo and behold, after 7 hours of scavenging through the dorms of North Quad, I found someone to speak with. She tried to slam the door in my face but I threw my hand in between the door and the wall to stop it. The answer I got made the 17 stitches totally worth it. 

She said, “Honestly, I don’t really care as long as he buys me nic carts. Most of the time I enjoy ghosting any of the really kind guys I meet. They offer to take me to Kofenya or on some other very sweet date when all I really want is nicotine. I take more satisfaction in not responding and letting the suspense eat them away from the inside, than actually spending quality time with them.”

You heard it gentlemen, the fastest way to this girl's heart is nicotine cartridges. 

My grand search for answers took me to the place where there is never a shortage of sorority girls, The Shriver Center Starbucks. Luckily, it wasn’t nearly as difficult to find someone to talk to here due to the sheer number of sorority girls inhabiting this wonderful space. 

I met two Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority sisters, Jaqueline and Patricia, who would not stop blabbering about their dates to the Alpha Sigma Phi formal in Tennessee, Chad and Brad. Jacqueline was uninvited from the formal by Chad but she exclaimed, “Boys who ask me to fraternity formals are so attractive. Chad asked me over snap but he's still irresistible.” 

Patricia went to the formal with her now ex-boyfriend, Brad. She claims to have had a blast despite the fact that she spent fifty dollars on gas and forty dollars on booze for her date. “Yeah, Brad had some serious anger issues. He threw one of his friends into a futon, breaking it in the process, so hot.” 

To cope with her break up, Patricia decided to go to karaoke night at Brick Street and to start snapping a guy who her friends despise. Clearly, joining a fraternity pulls way more girls than being the Humor Editor. 

I decided that I could only handle asking one more group of girls questions. The realization that I could not give girls what they truly wanted began to set in. So, I set out for the Pichenko's line to hunt for an answer. 

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In order to feel confident enough to talk to the intimidating, yet beautiful women in the Chenk’s line, I chugged some Jose Cuervo in the alley behind Starbucks. Somehow I managed to hold conversations with girls for more than 30 seconds; never had that happen before. 

While I do not remember exactly what I said, I must have been spitting some serious game. I woke up with over 30 snapchat notifications from people I genuinely do not remember to save my life. 

To combat the amount of men who are heartbroken on a daily basis (a.k.a. ME), an anonymous group of saint-like women from Flower Hall are currently raising money to form a coalition called “Ladies Stop Dumping ”, (LSD for short). The leader of this group aims at encouraging women to stop dumping guys who will actually treat them well. 

She continued by saying, “Too many times have we had (guy) friends come banging on our door at 2 a.m. with tears streaking down their innocent looking faces, after being heartbroken for the fifth time in the week. We want these heartbroken men to feel loved and wanted by girls at Miami.” Please reach out to inquire about how to make LSD more prevalent on Miami’s campus. 

My extensive research proved to be the adventure of a lifetime, in which I learned countless lessons. Now I will take the proper measures in order to find the wonderful girlfriend I have been seeking.  

All my research brings me to the conclusion that most college-aged women desire drunk fraternity boys who will buy them nicotine. I encourage all men to rush a frat, buy girls nicotine, and be drunk as often as possible to find the girl of your dreams.

john1595@miamioh.edu


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