Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Headline Dump

Men named Teddy are Now Four Times More Likely to be Ghosted After Random Brick Street Makes Out Than Guys With J-Names

Fraternity Boy mistakes Alligator Snapping Turtle for Miami Sundial Turtles, Surprised When it Bites Back

Breaking: New Miami Basketball Coach Travis Steele Doesn’t Train Steel-Type Pokemon

Opinion: Miami is More of a Field Hockey School Than Ice Hockey School

Newton Crawford is Actually an Animatronic Dog Kidnapped from Disney World

Woman Allergic to Cats Tells One “It’s Not You, It’s Me” and Cries

Man Changes Name to King Boo After Being Ghosted for the Seventh Time This Weekend

Rural Illinois Student Surprised When Farmer School of Business Doesn’t Offer Agriculture Classes

Maggie Jones (Field Hockey) Replaces Red Savage (Ice Hockey) as Miami’s Star Hockey Player

International Student Shocked When She Learns Oxford Doesn’t Have Palm Trees

Things You Probably Shouldn’t Have Said During Mom’s Weekend

So Is that A Club Sport? And Other Questions You Shouldn’t Ask the Miami Tennis Team 

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Miami Creates Dishonors Program requiring 2.0 or Lower GPA: FSB Students Flood Applicant Pool

Upham Hall Falls Further Into Disrepair: Nobody Cares

Plague Outbreak Attributed To Freshman Boy Who Ate Chicken from Martin Dining Hall

Miami Employee Sneaks In Beer To Work Hoping to Disguise It As Urine

Make It Miami Student Mistakes Cherry Blossom Petal for Snowflake Causing Him To Choke and Die

Man Walks Over Seal in Front of Tour Group, Tour Guide Shoots Him on the Spot