Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Dear Paddy

DEAR PADDY: My girlfriend dumped me. She said I was always spending time with “the boys” and that I didn’t devote enough time to her. Apparently buying her juuls and White Claws wasn’t enough for her. She never understood that an online game can’t just be paused!

The worst part is, during our breakup, she told me that she “doesn’t give a damn” about the stock market and which stocks are on the up right now. I thought she enjoyed my daily updates about Dogecoin and Gamestop! She accused me of “not caring about her interests,” and “not even knowing her best friend’s name.” I could’ve sworn it started with a “D.” I guessed Deborah and Danielle. Supposedly, it was Sarah. Am I in the wrong for spending time with my bros and trying to show her my interests?


DEAR GIRLFRIENDLESS GAMER: No, you are not in the wrong for having bro time. Everyone needs time to hang with the homies. If she turned down someone who was buying her juuls and White Claws, then there is something wrong with her. She has some stuff she needs to work on, on her own. No amount of financial investing advice can save her. 

You go play COD with your boys and if you have immediate investing advice, my number is (441) 800-8135. I have no money and my Dear Paddy column does not pay. At all. 

DEAR PADDY: A cop found my fake ID. I was walking out of The Den with a case of Natty’s and he searched me. I was charged with “possession of a criminal tool” and “underage possession.” I am now on probation and in debt $4,500 dollars because I had to pay for a lawyer and court fees.

The worst part is that my buddies are supposed to come in from out of town next weekend. What am I supposed to do if I can’t go to any of the bars with them? Am I wrong for wanting to get another fake ID and celebrating that I’m not in jail?


DEAR BROKE BABY: No, you are not in the wrong for wanting to get another fake ID and hit the town. Your boys are coming to visit; you have to show them a good time. Probation only means that you get in more trouble if you get caught again. So, it’s simple: don’t get caught again. As for the thousands of dollars in debt, just beg your parents. You go to Miami University, your daddy has money. Get that 2nd fake, have a good time, and stay clear of cops.

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