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Eruption Imminent

By and large, 2020 has had more than its fair share of disaster. It should come as no surprise to Miami students that yet another impending calamity is on the horizon. 

Reports from Dr. Marissa Arehart, a seismologist working for the Seismic Activities Department of Ohio (SAD) suggest a troubling array of seismologic activity near Oxford. 

“Miami University is certainly in the blast zone,” Dr. Arehart claims. “I give it no more than 10 years before students start seeing dramatic, adverse effects.” 

Just over 12 miles from Miami University’s Oxford campus lies Mount Rumpke, Ohio’s second largest dump (right behind Toledo). Founded in 1932, it is the largest landfill in the state of Ohio and the sixth-largest in the United States, spanning nearly 300 acres. Mount Rumpke holds a prestigious record as the highest landform in Hamilton County, Ohio. 

Core samples drawn from the heart of Mount Rumpke reveal identifiable eras of human technology. 

“Seven feet down on one of our latest pulls, we found an intact Beyblade,” mentions a Rumpke intern who wishes to remain unnamed. 

One noteworthy layer is composed entirely of Styrofoam, followed immediately by a layer of primarily organic material. The organic, hydrocarbon-rich layer (says Dr. Steve Hogan, Chairman of Rumpke’s chemical analysis team) is prone to fermentation under pressure into a preliminary form of crude oil. It is well documented that polystyrene, upon dissolution in gasoline, produces a solution of both naphthenic acid and palmitic acid, a blend more commonly known as napalm

Dr. Arehart expresses her concern.

“These hydrocarbons, including high-density methane and literal napalm, are highly flammable and under immense pressure,” she says. ‘As they continue to ferment and react with the Styrofoam layer, the buildup of explosive gas becomes a threat to surrounding areas. My findings predict that in no more than 10 years’ time, the pressure buildup within the core of Mount Rumpke will exceed the weight of the landfill, causing a massive and immediate dissipation of dangerous vapor.” 

Should an eruption event occur, Dr. Arehart adds, millions of tons of waste material will wash through the Ohio River Valley, flowing toward Memphis and into the Gulf of Mexico.

“The general public, including the citizens of Colerain, Cincinnati, Oxford and the rest of the Ohio River Valley, have no reason to believe such nonsense,” Dr. Hogan responded, though he declined to comment on the notable lack of ventilation piping throughout the landmark. 

“We’re already observing statistically significant seismic activity up to 30 miles from the source,” Dr. Arehart confidently asserts. “Given the local air pressure gradients and weather patterns, Miami’s campuses in Hamilton and Oxford sit directly in the fallout zone. [...] Our models predict that, post-eruption, upward of 50 inches of waste will descend upon the area. For those of you at home, that’s over four feet.” 

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Students are advised to keep an ear to the ground and remain attentive to Rumpke Consolidated Companies, Inc. guidelines and precautions. The impending “Erumption”, while certainly threatening, is not projected to occur for another decade or so. Conversely, the 2020 election is happening very soon. Vote.

filonopm@miamioh.edu

*This satire remarks the outlandish possible ramifications of too much trash. No identification with actual persons or places is intended or should be inferred.*

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