Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Miami lied and now I'm disappointed

Miami University really needs to step up its advertising game. It needs to be a little more realistic on what you, as an incoming first-year, are getting yourself into. 

When you go to college, you expect hot girls. I had been deprived of this since before I hit puberty as I attended an all-guys school. Instead, the only female contact I’ve had since the beginning of the semester is that of my loving mother and my poster of Margot Robbie, which gets increasingly more attractive every day. 

I couldn't wait for those crazy dorm parties, the ones my uncle, when drunk, would describe. I wanted those parties. But now, my only choice is to coerce my brother into stealing my dad’s liquor with me and then refilling it so he never notices. I hope he likes apple juice. I bring my brother along for the adventure, so I can’t be considered a “lonely alcoholic” — just a social one. 

On every tour I have ever been on, the tour guide was proud to claim that Miami has more than 600 clubs and organizations, so there is something to do for everyone.  I made my own club. The “watch ‘The Office’ for the 12th time before it leaves Netflix, and I have to pirate it in order to watch it a 13th time” club. Which, let’s be honest: I have no moral issue with pirating, it’s just so much more work. 

On top of having more than 600 clubs and organizations, Miami has more than 60 club and varsity level sports from football and hockey to cross country and bowling. I ran for the first time yesterday since March. I ran from the bathroom to my computer in order to not be late to my Zoom class because I am a first-year. Oh, who am I kidding? I went during my Zoom class. Didn’t miss a thing because of the beauty of technology, though. Thank goodness for mute. 

Did you know that Miami is nicknamed the Mother of Fraternities because it has almost 50 fraternities and sororities? The size of its Greek life is so large that it makes you wonder where all those people live? Tents in a cornfield? Instead of “going Greek,” I got so bored in my intro to stats class last week that I taught myself the entire Ancient Greek language. So, I may not have any college friends, but at least I can, you know, read the “Odyssey” or something. That counts as a win, right? 

The admissions director would like incoming freshmen to believe that they’ll be making friends in college in no time. In fact, he met some of his best friends in his dorm his first year. I went on a shady chat site the other night, and the guy on the other end was quite surprised when, instead of having to try to steal my identity, I willingly handed it over just so I could have someone new to talk to for a little while. And I know his name now. Believe it or not, it’s Patrick, too! 

“Oh, here at Miami, you can join whatever organization you want and express your true self because nobody will judge you for it,” they said. I told my dad I was interested in joining the Quidditch team. He proceeded to laugh at me and make wizard jokes all throughout dinner. 

And last but not least, Miami is exceptionally proud of its classes and teachers. They are all engaging and open to helping students in any way they can. Sure, I mean, my first week of college went something like this: “No, Professor, I did not know that I had a test in my second class of the year because I have the same internet router that my dad had growing up in the 70s. All I saw was a frozen face and a whole lot of static. I did not decode that to mean I have a test in my second class.”

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