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Guest Column: Easter Bunny cremated remains used on Ash Wednesday

I’d like to start with a blanket statement, something everyone should know: the ashes put on your forehead every Ash Wednesday are cremated Easter Bunnies from previous years, but the churches are too powerful to stop, and PETA can’t fight them alone.

I noticed it a few years ago, when I was 18. Every year on Easter, my family goes to the mall in order to get a picture with the man of the hour, the Easter Bunny. I saw the Easter Bunny at the mall, and noticed he was a different height from the Easter Bunny the year before.

Now, I’m no idiot. I understand that there are multiple Easter Bunnies, and that as one retires, another replaces him. However, at my mall – “The Mall” as we call it – the bunny from my previous experiences was not near retirement age. His fur was unmatted, his eyes large and optimistic. But now, he seemed replaced, too early and without explanation. 

When I went to get a picture taken with my hero, he seemed scared, as though he knew something I was unaware of. This species is not known to be timid. Easter Bunnies are strong, confident and able to reproduce asexually. As I left, his furry paw shook my hand, passing along a small note which I carry with me to this day. On it, Mr. Easter Bunny drew a smeared image in green crayon that looked vaguely like an “H.” I took this to mean he needed help. Fast. 

Suddenly, my mind began to tumble. It was like when a nuclear reaction occurs and everything gets really, really bright. I was putting things together, and I decided that there were two options that could explain my recent interactions with the bunny. 

Either there was no Easter Bunny, and my entire family as well as the whole of American society was lying to me, or the Easter bunny species was slowly being decimated by the churches. 

I started to suspect Christian churches because of their open distaste toward Easter Bunnies. Historically, they claim that Easter Bunnies encourage beastiality and satanism, so I started researching. 

I pulled out my laptop and was enraged at a holiday celebrated in the Catholic church, and in some Methodist and Lutheran churches: Ash Wednesday. 

Every year, a leader of the faith takes ashes and puts them on faithful foreheads, blinding people for small moments as they struggle to contend with the soot falling into their eyes. According to popular belief and the teachings of the church, the ashes are cremated palms from the Palm Sunday of the year prior.

However, my findings at suggest differently. Here is a quote from the site’s founder, Greg Lipton: 

“Swiftly as Easter ends, the Popemobile travels from town to town, collecting unlucky Easter Bunnies that didn’t get to their home holes fast enough. These bunnies are then transported to a nearby convent, where nuns incinerate them, package them and label the containers ‘Ashes for next year.’”

I know, you’re scared and disturbed by my words. When I called PETA, they were so scared that they hung up on me, saying the whole thing was “bullshit.” And they’re right! It’s completely wrong for this specific species of rabbits to be murdered for their egg laying ability and humanoid features. 

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So, I get that you’re frightened and angered by this information. But you aren’t nearly as scared as the extremely endangered species that lays eggs once a year behind the big oak tree in your yard. You aren’t in any danger, but others are. 

The first step to solving an issue is raising awareness, and therefore I ask everyone to read and circulate my words. An Easter bunny asked me for help, and gosh darn, I will do what I can to protect him, even if I must create an army to fight churches for the rights and lives of the Resurrection Day Rabbits.