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A totally serious NBA season preview

Rinard's Rundown

By Jordan Rinard, Senior Staff Writer

Now that we've arrived at the start of the NBA season, is there better time than now to unveil a season preview? Remember: these awards are made up and the predictions don't matter (that's right, the predictions are like $48,000 of a school's donations going to a terrible human being). So, off we go on your unofficial preview of the NBA season that's always right sometimes:

The winner of the Greg Oden Glass Knee Award: Derrick Rose

Few can bring fans to their feet like Chicago point guard Derrick Rose. As in, everybody wants to stand and watch to see if Rose can jump and land without dissipating into a cloud of dust and putting the Bulls' postseason chances in jeopardy (again). It is unlikely that he will ever "return," as he has not played a full season since his MVP campaign.

The winner of the LeBron James Comeback Player of the Year Award: Kobe Bryant

After missing most of last season due to injury, Los Angeles guard Kobe Bryant will look to lead a retooled Lakers roster featuring Jeremy Lin, Carlos Boozer and "Swaggy P" Nick Young, despite losing Steve Nash and Julius Randle for the season (and in Nash's case, possibly forever). LA will need all the production it can get from Bryant. The rest of the roster leaves much to be desired as it competes in a stacked Western Conference and fights its way out of a second consecutive lottery selection.

The winner of the Brian Scalabrine Kinda Useful White Guy Award: Kevin Love

As big as it was to get center Kevin Love from Minnesota, Cleveland is still LeBron's team (it was still his team after he left since Kyrie Irving apparently didn't want to lead his team to the postseason). This year's Cavaliers will feature a lot of Kyrie feeds to LeBron while Love does just enough on the boards to contribute. It'll be interesting to see what gets out when the Cavs lose due to Love's history of being a less than stellar teammate.

The winner of the Michael Jordan Most Valuable Player Award: LeBron James

Because duh.

The Cincinnati Royals award for the Eastern Conference Champions: Cleveland Cavaliers

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The Cavs should not expect a ton of resistance in the East. There are few teams in the conference that can legitimately challenge them. There's the depleted Indiana Pacers and the young Washington Wizards, but it'll be a tall order for them to not get swept; a talented Cleveland team will outclass them.

The Seattle Supersonics award for the Western Conference champions: San Antonio Spurs

San Antonio will return to the Finals despite having some of the oldest starters in the league due to the power of their depth and the power of coach Gregg Popovich's sideline interviews. They will navigate their way through a tough West, featuring the Thunder, Clippers and Warriors, to name a few, and they will be up to the task, setting up a third straight Spurs-LeBron matchup in the Finals …

The Bill Russell award for the NBA Champions: San Antonio Spurs

The Spurs move to 3-1 against LeBron in the NBA Finals as Cleveland simply does not yet have the depth to match San Antonio. Following the win, Popovich, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili all have a joint retirement press conference