Celebrating 200 Years
HUMOR

Ranking birthdays at different ages

My birthday was last week, and contrary to popular belief, I did not turn 20; I’ve reached the much less interesting age of 19. If you’re wondering why I’m 5 years old as a sophomore in college, it’s because my birthday is late in the year and I knew my colors before everybody else in kindergarten. I’m still waiting for that to get me somewhere in life.

To commemorate surviving another trip around the sun, I’m going to be taking a walk down memory lane and giving my review of birthdays at every age I’ve been.

Stage 1: Ages 1-3

At this age, birthday parties aren’t really for you; you won’t even remember them. I think I had a birthday party just so that my mom could send me the “15 years ago today” Facebook recap later down the road. I’m not sure why my extended family drove over 5 hours to come watch me shove cake in my face and buy me gifts I wasn’t even old enough to say thank you for, but I hope they had fun?

Stage 2: Ages 4-9

Back on my 4th-9th birthdays, I was put on a pedestal and everybody came to my house with gifts just because I continued to exist. I remember having a princess party where I made all my friends dress up as Disney princesses in order to gain free entry to my living room. Since then, I have yet to experience another moment as monarch.

Stage 3: Ages 10-12

I remember the day I turned double digits. I got a Justin Bieber toothbrush that sang for the proper duration of tooth-brushing. How could I forget? I’d like to think the reason I’ve never had a cavity is because sometimes I’d brush my teeth six times a day just to hear his voice again. 

Stage 4: Age 16

Being a little young for my grade meant I couldn’t get my license until I was partially through my junior year of high school. During sophomore year I would stare in envy as people walked into first period swinging their keys in one hand and holding Starbucks in the other, meanwhile I was lucky to get dropped off on time by my older brother. Once I finally got my license, I pulled up to school the next day looking absolutely incredible driving my parents’ minivan. It didn’t have bluetooth, so I spent the 7:20 a.m. commute jamming out to the predicted weather forecast.

Stage 5: Ages 17-19

Seventeen was basically 16, but I didn’t get any better at driving, so let’s skip that one. Eighteen was cool because I was finally old enough to buy myself a lottery ticket… which I never even did — missed opportunity to win some money to put towards my tuition. This year, I spent my 19th attending my organic chemistry lecture, followed by cell biology. Then, I had to walk straight to Millett to move my car because apparently the $200 I paid for a parking pass gets revoked whenever the football team needs their cleats polished. It wasn’t the best birthday party, but I’ve had worse.

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Future dreams

For my 20th I’m hoping someone will be so kind as to buy me another Justin Bieber toothbrush. Mine ran out of battery a while back, and I have some catching up to do.

Until then, please bear with me for the next 360 or so days while I mourn the fact that I’m actually approaching my twenties. That sounds a little bit too much like a bedtime, real life and a normal toothbrush.

rappcr@miamioh.edu

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