We came, we saw, we got paid: Diary of the cupcake team

Now listen, I know what you’re thinking — we’re going to get killed playing a Power Four school.

You’re probably right.

The thing is, there’s a lot of fun team bonding that goes into the locker room when both death and an embarrassing loss hang over your head, and the team charter bus there feels like leading a lamb to slaughter.

On the bright side, it makes for great gambling. Our wide receiver room has a bet of how many bones will be broken, over/under four. My money’s on over.

We also have one about who’s going to lose the most teeth. Currently leading that one is our star quarterback, and given the way our O-line is looking, I added about $40 to the pool.

In addition to experiencing what will probably be the most embarrassing defeat of my life, I also get the chance of being on national television, which has been a lifelong dream of mine.

It was either I got on TV for this or by committing some heinous crime, and frankly, I suspect my family would have preferred the latter.

If I’m lucky, they’ll even be sure to cut away the camera as they cart me off the field with a busted open head, but hey, even if they don’t, it’s great advertising to be an extra in some late night crime show.

Speaking of busted heads, we’ll be incredibly lucky to make it home with all our players, AND all their limbs still on their body.

Thank God our recruitment team has been working overtime to fill in the gaps — those poor rookies.

One of our team dinners this week was spent writing out letters to our next of kin. I personally wrote to my mom, but I know some guys who wrote to their girlfriends, grandparents and siblings.

One even wrote out a list of changes to make to his Wikipedia page.

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HAH! Like we get one of those.

I mean at the end of the day, it is a pretty good deal. That big scary school is coughing up a pretty penny to kick us around a football field for a couple hours — that million they’re giving us might even be enough to cover our punters’ medical bills.

This football season, remember to thank your local cupcake team. We might be small and weak and incredibly easy to beat…

Yeah that’s it.

hannaer@miamioh.edu