This is the story of a very real event that happened. When Carley Rapp the first (world-renowned Harvard Student) visited Miami University: THE Public Ivy. Here are her leaked written excerpts:
First impression
I’ll be honest, I was terrified when my private jet dropped me off in the middle of a cornfield. It turns out this is just southwest Ohio for you. Naturally, I had to investigate.
First things first, if an Ivy can be public, does that mean that my generational wealth is… meaningless? Gasp.
How does public and Ivy even coexist in the same sentence? Nobody has ever said “designer Walmart” with a straight face, but here we are throwing around terms like “public Ivy,” as if that makes any sense. I kept waiting for someone to explain the joke, but apparently this is a real thing.
The social aspect
I was told that the pinnacle of social achievement here is going to something called a “Beat the Clock.” I assumed this was some sort of physics competition involving the manipulation of spacetime. What I found was much darker. It was an event packed with college students who looked like they woke up in a dumpster, drinking poisoned beverages before the sun was even fully out.
Some girl with three cups in her hand stumbled into me and asked if I was a transfer student. I told her I go to Harvard, to which she responded with, “Oh, is that near Columbus?” Then she tripped over her own feet and fell over. She didn’t even stop smiling.
After leaving whatever sort of cult that was, I attempted to ask a passerby where the library was. I immediately regretted it once I saw his shirt, which read nothing but “BEER.” He blinked, adjusted his backwards hat and gave me detailed directions to this place called Kappa Sigma.
The unofficial, official uniform
I’m also under the impression that in order to attend this university, you must own at least $5,000 worth of Lululemon. But, of course, it was all charged to dad’s credit card. (Do students here even have their own names, or do they just go by the expiration date on their parents Amex?)
The common aesthetic is honestly impressive. Every girl is in a matching workout set at 8 a.m. and every guy looks like he just stepped out of a LinkedIn profile picture.
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What a place
All I can say is, stay humble, Ohio. You have beautiful red bricks, but I’m pretty sure the bricks have higher IQs than the people walking on them.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a flight to catch. I hear that the air is 20% more prestigious in Massachusetts.
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