Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies
HUMOR

A Letter, to You

Dear reader, hello! It’s been quite a while, I must say. I came back to write this article to prove that no, dear reader, I have not passed away due to the strain of senior year (all 13 credit hours). I know what you’re thinking, “Oh no, my favorite humor writer of the past 3 years is graduating in the spring!” Well, dear reader, you’d be wrong, I’m leaving you in 6 (no not “or 7,” get off TikTok, it’ll fry your brain) weeks! I’m sure that you’re all quite appalled at this news. The fan club of Michael Pattee has a MASSIVE following of at least 6 or 7. 

So, as my time at TMS begins to come to a close, I thought that I would leave you, dear reader, with some advice. For starters, share a bed with your freshman year roommate! Wait, no, that came out wrong. Share BUNK beds with your freshman year roommate. This is especially true for people who are in a triple. Not only will you get good cardio climbing up and down that ladder (if you're on top), but if you put cushions against the wall, you can create your very own double-decker couch (shout out Lego Movie). 

Another crucial piece of advice is the following: don’t eat dining hall food all four years. I have made this fatal mistake and now have an appointment with a Gastroenterologist. Try saying that five times fast. I’m not even fully sure what’s going to happen, but it can’t be anything good. 

You’re probably expecting me to say something inspirational like “get involved” or “offer the flat earth guy a popsicle.” But no, don’t do any of that. Instead, find your D.S. from back in grade school and start playing it again. Embrace nostalgia, you’re only getting older, so why form new memories and explore your beliefs when you can speed-run Pokémon White and Super Mario? 

Now I know, dear reader, you’re anxiously awaiting my advice on how to get into a happy, healthy relationship, on-campus relationship. I’ve got three words: Good luck, soldier. I can promise you that your Halloween make-out you snap exclusively after 11pm isn’t the one. My best advice is to find a long-distance relationship, ideally out of state, via a dating app and escape campus as much as possible, and get a ring by spring (it can actually work). 

Finally, dear reader, join the humor section, where both being funny and attendance are optional, and meet me in person.  After all, who wouldn’t want to meet their hero? I don’t know what that has to do with meeting me, but that felt like an appropriate follow-up. 

Oh, and don’t bother with LinkedIn. Just don’t.

Toodle-loo, 

patteemj@miamioh.edu

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