For those of you who know me well, you know that I plan on going to law school and being a lawyer. However, if for some reason this path weren’t to work out, there’s only one career path for me: spoof scriptwriter. Below, I share some of my best ideas (film department people, don’t even THINK about stealing them).
The Emperor's New Groove → The Emperor Learns to Whip and Nae Nae
For the casting of this movie, I’m thinking of a Star Wars crossover by bringing back Emperor Palpatine to play the Emperor. And rather than turning into a llama, Palpatine is turned into the rapper Silentó, 45 minutes before he needs to perform on stage. Naturally, Palpatine has no clue how to Whip and Nae Nae until his stage hand Kronk, played by Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, and his following of pet squirrels teach Palpatine just how to do it.
Superman → Mediocreman
With the Superman movie having just come out this summer, the time is right for a spoof. Who wants to see a chiseled white guy in spandex and a cape flying around anyway? People want reality, Mediocreman, a Walmart manager of six years, whose most intense fights are saying no to the last two slices of pizza at 2 a.m. and trying to muster up the courage to talk to Savannah “Hot Stuff” Smith, Mediocreman’s Walmart-crush. Mediocreman also engages in combat on occasion, fighting villains like the goons from the Irritating Revenue Stealers (IRS for short) who attempt to brainwash Mediocreman into paying his taxes! Finally, Mediocreman’s archnemesis is Targeto, the ruthless opposing manager at the local target.
50 Shades of Grey → Just 1 Shade of Pink (PG)
Despite not having watched this movie before, I think I’ve got it. Rather than having to put the audience through 50 different shades of grey (I mean, what is this, a Sherwin-Williams or Benjamin Moore commercial???), the audience simply gets to have 1 shade of pink on screen the whole time. It could be paired with some light, relaxing instrumental music playing in the background, and would be the type of movie you could put on for your little kids when it’s their nap time.
Die Hard → Live Soft
Do you think the snowflake generation can Die Hard, or even Live Hard? Not according to the number of Viagra commercials on TV this summer. But, since the older generations (those people who can call “unc”) have never lived a day in the shoes of a snowflake, why not give them a chance to see what it’s like?
Naturally, the movie will start with a brief reference to Christmas so that everyone can incorrectly dub this a Christmas movie. Then it will follow a teenage girl during a family Christmas party, as she gets passive-aggressive DMs, is told to get a job, and instructed to spend time with her family right as it’s time to BeReal. Naturally, the movie will include many explosions (shouting matches), bad guys (family members who care), and near-death experiences (almost forced to delete TikTok) to keep audiences on the edge of their seats for this action-packed movie.
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