The top five excuses for skipping class

With the sun finally showing itself in Oxford, Miami students are more eager than ever to find excuses to skip class. The problem is that teachers hear the same, tired excuses all the time.

“Oh I’m sick.”

“I got food poisoning.”

“I literally just sprained my ankle.”

“I got the rona.”

“My grandpa died.”

Now I’m not saying these excuses are invalid, but teachers start to grow suspicious when your grandpa has died for the fifth time this month.

But, have no fear. This is where I come in. This is where I thrive. I have a list of the top five excuses that are so refreshing and authentic that teachers can’t help but give you an excused absence.

But first, before I jump in, like in any list you see in articles or videos these days, I have an honorable mention list.

Solar eclipse

Oxford experienced totality recently, which is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, or so I told my teacher (it happens every year). Since this only occurs once in a while, just claim some other celestial event like a comet as a once-in-a-lifetime experience and you’re good to go.

You’re a senior

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If you want to hang outside and skip class but don’t know what to say, follow these simple steps. Open up your inbox, create a new email, and write the following; “Sorry teach, can’t come to class. I’m a senior and a senior’s gotta senior.” Hit send and go get f***ed up. P.S. I tried this as a sophomore and it did not go well.

Gotta see the bet through

Let me paint a picture for you. You just bet your weekly earnings on a random Taiwanese table tennis match. Class starts in five minutes, but they’re going into their last set of the match. There is no way you are not watching that last set. So, just tell your teacher the truth: “I’ve bet everything I own on Lin Yun-ju, the Silent Assassin. Wish me luck.”

Okay, now that we got those honorable mentions out of the way, let’s move into the top 5.

“I’m not Superman”

If you have any classes with a start time before 1:15 p.m., you know you're not going. So, instead of lying and saying you're sick, write the following, “What am I? Superman? I am NOT waking up that early. Even Superman wouldn’t wake up at 8 a.m. if the world depended on it.” It’s that simple.

Dinner with Crawford

If you ever want to get out of a random class, just explain that you have dinner with President Gregory Crawford. Now you may be thinking, dinner at 2 p.m.? No, the dinner is later, but you need to mentally prepare for the intellectually stimulating conversation to come later in the day. Plus, it’s going to take at least three hours to choose the perfect outfit to impress Crawford. P.S. Do not wear navy blue corduroy pants. He is not a fan.

It’s sunny out and you want to drink

If the Oxford sun is out and about, why aren’t you? Simply inform the teacher that it’s 80 degrees and you need lawn beers. They have to respect the vibe. They might even pull up with a folding chair and join you. The opposite also works: if it's cold out you need to drink to warm yourself up. Your teachers don’t want you to be cold, so they’ll understand. Lastly, if it’s not particularly cold or warm outside, just tell your teacher you want to drink. They’ll want you to be happy.

You went to class twice last week

If you are really not feeling class one day, just explain to your teacher that you went to class BOTH times last week. They’ll be so impressed with your discipline and hard work that they’ll probably give you the rest of the week off with no penalty. And, even if you didn’t actually go to class both times the previous week, just say you did and the teacher will be impressed with how well-intentioned you are.

Writing a humor article

If your humor editor texts you and asks “Where’s that article you promised to write?” and you just woke up hungover from a bomb night at Chanks, then there is no way you’re making it to class. Instead, open your email and type the following, “The people need me to be funny and I shall deliver. With God as my witness, I will write a mediocre article with some jokes that definitely won’t land!” Then, press send and get to typing.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, these excuses seem oddly personal and very ineffective. However, I assure you that I have used every one of these at least 20 times and I’ve only flunked three classes because of it.

If you use one and it doesn’t work, keep shooting. Remember, Shaq shot 22 three-pointers in his career and eventually made one. Never. Stop. Shooting.

I hope this list has been helpful and I wish you the best of luck.

P.S. I am not liable for any consequences these excuses may bring you.

bialouj2@miamioh.edu