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Humour: Rocky VII to be filmed in Oxford

I’m not a big fan of misleading headlines, but this one might as well be true. Sylvester Stallone did come to Oxford, and what's he known for? Rocky. 

When I heard he was coming at the end of February to film a movie, I knew “Rocky VII” was destined to happen. But in Oxford?! The movie is technically called “Alarum,” which is a weird way to spell “Rocky VII,” but I’m sure they’re waiting to change that in post. 

Students lined the streets just to catch a glimpse of Philly legend and America’s boxer, Rocky Balboa. But, on the first day that students camped out, Rocky was a no-show. 

But just like their idol, they didn’t quit. They came back in full force the next day. As everyone knows, it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. I forget who said that. Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Terminator?”

Rocky’s arrival in Oxford created the most buzz and excitement I’ve seen since John Daly came into town. I was excited until I heard some crushing news. The humor staff completely blindsided me, informing me that I had to be Rocky’s practice opponent for his next film. Are you kidding me?

One day, a humor editor (who has cowardly requested their name be stricken from the record) came to me and said, “Look kid, the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. You’re going to have to fight Rocky. Nobody else will volunteer, and you haven’t been to a meeting or written an article since last semester. It’s time to pay your dues.” 

Hoping to avoid breaking my nose and every bone in my body, I protested, “What? You can’t do this to me! Is this some BS Miami Student rule?” To which the editor replied, “Uh yeah, sure let’s go with that.”

Panic struck me, and I grew desperate. “Please, I’ll do anything!” 

“Anything?” asked the humor editor slyly with raised eyebrows. I thought that was slightly sexual, but I redirected quickly. “Yes, what if I write an article right now?”

He wasn’t sold, so I kept pushing, “I’ll write the best article ever. It will be full of jokes, full of intrigue, it’ll be not too long but not too short.” I convinced him to give me 24 hours to write an article and that if it didn’t blow him away then I’d do it, I’d fight Rocky. 

He said it had to be hilarious. Generational. Legendary. Then, I thought, what is more legendary than an article about “Rocky VII” — the movie we all desperately need but are too afraid to ask for? A new heavyweight champion for Rocky to defeat. A new training montage. Raw eggs. The movie literally cannot fail. 

So now that brings us to this point. I am frantically writing an article on deadline, to avoid boxing Rocky Balboa for “Rocky VII.” 

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They say you should never meet your heroes, but they never say anything about fighting your heroes. 

For now, only time will tell where my destiny lies, where the destiny of “Rocky VII” lies. If you never hear from me again, remember me as a man who fought valiantly to not fight valiantly against Rocky Balboa with the dash of his pen.  

bialouj2@miamioh.edu

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