This may come as a complete surprise to everyone, but I was not a perfect angel growing up. I’m still not. Despite being on the nice list for the first 18 years of my life, my run of niceness ended last year, when I received a lump of coal from Santa Claus.
Over the past year, I have intensely reflected on why this occurred. I have realized the error of my ways and set out to correct them. So, I have created a little apology list in hopes that I can show my remorse. I have decided to apologize for the ten worst things that I have done in my life and show why I deserve a spot on the nice list.
I am sorry for convincing Timmy Jones that eating Purell hand sanitizer would turn him into Spiderman. Timmy idolized Spiderman, and I should have known that he would do anything to turn into him. I didn’t think he would end up in the hospital - if anything, I thought it would make him more clean (he had really bad breath).
I also apologize for clogging all of the school toilets with homemade bricks and then blaming it on Ivy Sanchez. Mixing in the manure from the neighbors’ cows was particularly cruel. I do truly feel bad that Ivy got expelled and her parents disowned her — however, she is currently a successful Roblox streamer, so I think it's all good now.
Since I’m on my apology tour, I’m also sorry that I convinced my brother I could help him teleport into an Animal Crossing video game, biking him to the zoo (he was blindfolded in a wagon), and then dropping him into the tiger exhibit. I convinced the police that it was an accident, but it really wasn’t. I could have really gotten hurt, and it was a mistake. Oh, and he probably could’ve gotten hurt too.
I also want to repent for beating up the little girl who got the last set of “My Little Pony” figures I wanted last year. I really wanted the limited edition Scootaloo figure that was in that pack. I know that the video of the fight led to the downfall of Toys R Us and that the little girl is still probably terrified of college kids. If it helps, I donated the other three figures to Toys for Tots this week.
I am sorry for releasing 100 “Axe bombs” on my last day of middle school, causing the school to catch on fire. This was incredibly cliche, not funny and made a bunch of students smell horrible for a week.
I also have to confess to catfishing Richard Harris and then blackmailing him into doing my homework in English class. I’m sure that this apology letter would be of much higher quality if I hadn’t cheated.
I apologize for spiking the hot chocolate at football games, causing multiple students to pass out and get expelled. I know that the school now uses breathalyzers for all of the students before games, but there’s really no need.
I regret lying in my college essay about the time my brother’s best friend’s cousin’s aunt’s roommate’s dog cut open its paw. I know I made myself sound heroic when I talked about carrying the dog two miles uphill (both ways) through the snow, on the way to the vet. I probably wouldn’t be in college if I didn’t make that story up.
Please forgive me for going into New Bar, finding a naive group of freshmen, and convincing them that there was buried treasure at the bottom of the Western pond that could only be found after completing a ritual on the roof of Farmer. I didn’t think a group of 18-year-olds would believe that story, but I guess we can see the results of a 90% acceptance rate.
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Lastly, I am sorry for having absolutely no remorse for anything I listed above. I find each of these instances comically funny, so I am using them for content. I know I deserve to be on the naughty list, but I ask that instead of coal, you give me a copy of the movie “Cats” (that would truly be torture).