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HUMOR

PSA: Put your dawgs away

Dawgs, critters, flipper grippers — commonly known as toes — help us Homo sapiens walk and balance upright. Most people are considerate enough to keep those dawgs muzzled and crated. 

However, it has come to my attention that some of you students at Miami University seem to think that letting the dawgs out in class, walking around campus or at bars Uptown is now acceptable. This could not be further from the truth. 

Just because your dawgs are barking does not mean they need to be out. I do not want to turn around in my Intro to Pottery class to see hairy, crusty critters on the floor. 

Since when has it been acceptable to wear FLIP FLOPS to class? We aren’t at the flipping beach. Just because your fraternity stole its name from a Pacific Island does not give you the right to put your toes out for the world to see. 

Do people really think nice weather is an excuse to act like a barbarian? What's next? Once it turns 100 degrees, people will just start eating with their hands and forcefully claiming territories on Miami's campus until they take down the "Great Miami Empire." 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Jimmy Buffett just passed away, and flip flops are a stylistic necessity to pay homage to him and make it feel like Margaritaville 25/7. But trust me, Mr. Buffett knew there was a time and place for toes to be out. As a man of class, he knew that even on the beach you should be knee deep, not toes deep, in the water somewhere. 

To guys wearing Birkenstocks, wear socks. No one wants to see your flipper grippers. While socks and sandals used to be shunned, my colleague and TMS Style editor, Evan Stefanik, has this to say about men in Birks: 

“While socks and sandals are not the ideal footwear option, it is loads better than wearing birks around campus without socks.”

In my personal opinion, unless you are getting a monthly pedicure, your toes should be away.

Finally: Why? Just why do people think it is a good idea to go barefoot or wear sandals at Brick Street? This decision lacks all common sense. Not only are the dawgs out, but they’re drinking up the Brick juice filled with frat flu, campus cough and who knows what else.

Excuse me. I just threw up in my mouth a bit just writing this. 

I DON’T GET IT. The Brick floor might be the single nastiest place on this Earth and you want to put your dawgs on it?! Disgusting, mate. What would your mom say?

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To combat this rampaging issue, I am starting a service dog organization on campus called “Dogs for Dawgs” to help those who feel the need to display their flipper grippers on a daily basis.

So, just remember this PSA: Put your dawgs away.

Call 1-800-DAWGIES if you or one of your loved ones are affected by the campus dawg issue. 

john1595@miamioh.edu

bialouj2@miamioh.edu


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