If I was a University of Cincinnati Bearcats fan right now, I’d probably hide in a closet in my room and cry until there were no more tears left to cry, playing demo bell sounds off my phone because …
DING! DING! DING!
Miami brought the Victory Bell home!
Remember the date — Saturday, Sept. 16, 2023. The day a RedHawk murdered a Bearcat in front of millions on national television.
It feels good being a Miami RedHawk fan because we are so back, baby!
Miami is officially a football school again.
Haters (from UC most likely) will say, “You got lucky. You won in overtime by only a touchdown. We lost the game, you didn’t win it. It was a charity win. A Bearcat is so much cooler than a RedHawk.”
But all I hear are WWWWWWs.
Now in the spirit of winning with grace, I’ve compiled a complete list of why UC is inferior …
First, their mascot is a Bearcat. What even is a Bearcat?
Now for the other reasons:
We are a school of winners, they are not.
We can definitely drink way more beer than them.
Oxford is way prettier and safer (straight facts).
We have President Crawford.
We have the highest receiving yards wideout in college football (S.O. Gage Larvadain).
We have GrubHub robots everywhere (that actually might be their only win).
Did the CEO of Chipotle go to UC? Oh, that’s what I thought.
Do they have a Julian Bialous attending their school? Psssh, they wish.
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Miami is everything UC wishes they could be but never will.
In a way, I feel sorry for them. The bell was everything to them, and we just took that away.
So, if you have a friend at UC (lame), then call them up, tell them to wipe their tears and crawl out of their closets and let them know everything is going to be OK.
Then, once you feel like you’ve repaired some wounds, throw salt into it by texting them a link to highlights of the game.
I have already watched the video 40 times. I’ve done no homework.
Whenever I’m feeling sad, happy, angry, frustrated or any other emotion, this video is always here to remind me I’m a straight alpha because I am a RedHawk.
Just remember, if you are ever feeling lost or down, at least you don’t go to UC.