As everyone who has read my articles knows, I am not a journalism major. Far from it, actually. But sometimes I get the itch to do “journalisming” — particularly absurd journalisming.
This week, to get rid of that itch once and for all, I set out to find some of the most interesting and entertaining Miami students, and ask them some very important questions that are on my mind.
Disclaimer: These interviews were solely conducted in imagination land. No Miami students were harmed, embarrassed or confused in the production of this article. So, let’s go over the results of my imaginary foray into reporting.
I first want to introduce my participants. We were lucky to have Crystal, a junior majoring in fashion design; Josh, a sophomore finance major; Anna, a senior philosophy major with a minor in creative writing; and Chris, a first-year majoring in sports communication and management (SCAM).
I thought that each individual would bring a unique perspective to the table. This was a panel interview. So, I will display my question, and then each person’s corresponding response.
Connor Oviatt, The Miami Student’s greatest journalist: If you were a building on campus, which would you be and why?
Crystal: I would be Kumler Chapel. It is the most gorgeous and peaceful building on campus. It reminds me of myself.
Josh: I would be Brick Street. I try to spend at least three nights a week Uptown, so … yeah, I would definitely be Brick.
Anna: What does it even mean to be a building? I think that we can learn a lot from buildings. Buildings represent life. I actually think I would be the woods behind Peabody. That's where I do my best soul searching.
Chris: I would be Millett Hall … because yeah, I’m a SCAM major. I like sports.
Oviatt, after hyping himself up for five minutes: How often do you think about the Roman Empire?
Crystal: Oh my gosh. I don’t understand why STUPID MEN think about the Roman Empire so much. Such a red flag. I know my boyfriend would never think about the Roman Empire.
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Josh: I think about the Roman Empire every day. I think the history is so fascinating. I also think we have a lot to learn from alpha males like Julius Caesar.
Anna: I prefer to think about Greek society. Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, basically my whole major started in Greece. The Romans are nowhere near as cool. Plus gross men talk about the Roman Empire.
Chris: What’s a Roman Empire?
Oviatt (visibly shaking at this point): This is a two-parter: Would you rather watch grass grow or paint dry? Also, what are your thoughts on lead paint?
Crystal: I would love to watch a well-painted room dry. Particularly one that I painted. If I can design gorgeous clothes, I can definitely paint a nice room.
Josh: I would love to watch grass grow. I am proud of the fact that our frat has the cleanest front yard of all the frats, because I’m a pro at cutting lines.
Anna: Every day I sit outside and contemplate the meaning of life. Why am I here? Do I matter? Will Will Weisman make me pay cover in heaven? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Chris: I want to make a cool shape in the grass of the soccer field.
Oviatt, while throwing his paint brush across the room: Who do you think would win in a fight outside Armstrong: the flat earth guy or the ‘HELL IS REAL‘ guy?
Crystal: I don’t think either has spent a night with a woman ever. So will there truly be a winner?
Josh: At least the “Hell is Real” guy isn’t a million years old.
Anna: We can’t confirm whether hell is real or not. I don’t think it's fair to lump him in with the flat earth guy.
Chris: The flat earth guy was pretty chill. He gave me a model of the earth. Looked like a ball.
Oviatt, the most responsible member of the Miami community: You are stopped Uptown by the OPD. In order to get out of trouble, you have to beat the officer in a spelling bee. What word are you using to stump them?
Chris: Puka Nacua, receiver for the LA Rams
The honorable Connor Oviatt, our humble and inspiring leader: Last question: Would you rather fight 15 5-year-olds or five 10-year-olds?
Crystal: Oh my gosh I could never fight a 5-year-old! They are way too cute! Give me the stupid 10-year-olds.
Josh: I could take on at least three dozen 10-year-olds.
Anna: Violence is never the answer. We are endowed with unalienable rights to life, which means not having to be sucker punched at age five for a stupid joke.
Chris: I beat up five 10-year-olds when I was three. Light work.