Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

First-year’s guide to Brick Street: An infomercial

Are you a socially struggling first-year? Do you ever spend your Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday nights getting eight or more hours of sleep? Are you sometimes productive, or do you attend events put on by MAP or even your RA? Then boy have I got something for you.

Introducing … Brick Street Bar!

Brick Street, better known as Brick, is the solution to all your problems! At Brick, people’s standards are lowered and everyone’s sense of personal space and hygiene are thrown out the window. Ever thought your shirt was a little too white? Well, Brick has a solution for that. After jumping around in Brick’s mosh pit, there is a 99.9% chance of having someone else’s fermented wheat juice stain your shirt! That’s 31.4% more likely than the leading competitor!

Ever wanted to know what fermented caffeine would taste like? Well, Brick has the answer. Just try an aptly-named “Trashcan” to find out! Brick provides Trashcans for the low price of $19.99 (through a third party of course). What a deal! Trashcans serve as a 2-for-1 solution for those of you wishing to become intoxicated for five times the price of swinging by Kroger. 

Have you been trying to avoid crushed grape gore (that some people believe to have been stomped on by shoeless French peasants) infused with fungus, stored in a fancy glass bottle that only opens with its very own utensil — a handy dandy twisty metal thingy? Well good news for you, because Brick does not provide pre-stomped beverages (although if you’d like to have your beverage stomped, just head back over to the mosh pit). 

Sometimes you’ll even see communications and finance majors switch to the College of Uptown and declare a Brick Street major. The only requirements are a GPA below 3.0 and a personal statement that includes the phrases “college experience” and “living my best life.” Be sure to ask your academic adviser about what becoming a Brick Street major might look like for you.

And for all our readers out there (yes, all six of you) who might be dating basic white girls obsessed with songs about pickup trucks, jeans and fermented wheat juice or frat boys who think wearing a sleeveless flannel is socially acceptable, Brick has Country Night! For no additional charge, you can ruin your hearing by listening to “songs” from Morgan Wallen, Luke Combs and Zach Bryan, all while watching your girlfriend scream while wearing an oversized white and pink cowboy hat.

A semester pass to Brick Street is only $499.99 for the semester, but if you call now we’ll throw in a second for free if you pay the price of two season passes! That’s right, what normally would be two charges of $499.99 can now be purchased for one low fee of $999.98! So make sure you call now to buy your passes for 15 free next-day splitting headaches, two pairs of ruined shoes and line-cutting privileges on karaoke night!

Enjoy what you're reading?
Signup for our newsletter