Humor Bi-Weekly Roundup

Uncooperative Squirrel Freed From Manhole Cover

BERLIN — Miami students had mixed reactions after Berlin Fire Department officials responded to an interesting call. Firefighters were called into duty to save a squirrel who had lodged itself into a manhole cover.

When asked for his opinion on the situation by The Miami Student’s Germany bureau, Richard Johnson, an environmental science major said, “I would have spent my tuition money to save the little guy.”

Not all Miami students were as supportive. Alyssa Hampton, an economics major, said, “Berlin spent 0.015% of GDP saving that squirrel. It would have been wise to leave it to its own devices.”

RoboCop? No, RoboDog: Robotic dog joins New York police

NEW YORK — After the New York Police Department (NYPD) announced that three robotic “digidogs” have joined their ranks, the Oxford Police Department has revealed its own plan to incorporate this technology into their plans.

Miami students and Oxford residents alike fear the consequences of broader usage of these “digidogs” to steal fake IDs and rapidly breathalyze crowds. An anonymous source, whose drivers license placed them as a resident of Montana, said that this prospect was “terrifying.”

Pentagon military documents leak may have started in gamer chatroom

USA DISCORD SERVER — Over the past week, several classified Pentagon documents were released on the popular gaming chat platform, Discord. Several student’s in the Miami Esports program were completely unsurprised when hearing this. Leonard Smith, who goes by xtremeukele22 online, said, “After taking my Ghost Gaming pre-workout, a few minutes before the League of Legends tourney, I was scrolling through government documents and came across the launch codes again, I didn’t post it to Discord, but almost put it on Reddit.” Sophia Scranton, one of the four gamer girls in the Esports program said, “I knew about the Chinese spy balloon three hours before anyone else. I was playing ‘Apex Legends’ with Carl from the defense committee, and well, he forgets to turn off his mic a lot”.

Apartments and potential ‘chicken restaurant’ coming in construction next to Corner Bar

OXFORD, OH — Ever seen that movie “Ratatouille?” Well, the new apartment complex near Corner Bar will be getting a restaurant completely run by chickens instead of rats. The restaurant, rumored to be named Bock Bock’s, aims to only serve cow products and be a direct competitor with Chick-Fil-A. Founder, Paul the Hen, hopes that her restaurant will bring awareness to the commercialization of chicken products and people will go back to eating cows. “Bock bock bock bock,” she said, which can be translated to “Death to cows.”

john1595@miamioh.edu