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HUMOR

Dear Spring...

Dear Spring,

You suck, bro. Here’s why.

First of all, this pollen being released, not cool. It makes my eyes water more than “All Too Well (Taylor’s version)” and causes my nose to hurt more than when I snorted smarties in the back of Spanish class in fifth grade. People probably think I’m Sneezy the dwarf or Sadness from Inside Out. 

My nose feels more congested than an I-70 freeway after a semi-truck mows over a family of deer and I am coughing up loogies bigger than Miami University club athlete egos. Cchill out with releasing the pollen, or else I’m going to lose my gosh darn mind.

Secondly, what’s the deal with the 40-degree temperature drops overnight? Two days ago I was frolicking in 80-degree weather, soaking up copious amounts of Vitamin D. Now, it's 42 degrees, the sun disappeared and I feel like I’m in a dystopian universe where the sun dried out. Well, we are in Ohio, which kind of feels like a dystopian universe, but this still ain’t Florida (the real dystopian state)! I’m more outraged than a French person named Jacque who now has to work two — yes, TWO — more years to earn a pension. 

If you are going to tease us with sunny, 75-degree weather, at least tell people on this campus how to use and apply sunscreen. 

The second the temperature reaches 70 degrees, tanning season commences. Every available patch of grass turns into a frying pan as towels are laid out, and skin that hasn’t seen sunlight in ages faces the scourge of the sun. It seems those wanting to tan themselves forgot that UV light also applies in Ohio, not just in places near the equator.

Now, students are stuck with sunburnt skin redder than my face after being stood up on a Tinder date for the 11th time this week. *Sigh.* So, Spring, provide sunscreen please, or else I am going to cancel you. 

Also, Spring, you’re yet another reminder of my failure to find love.

Flowers are blooming, and I have no one to give them to. 

Animals with more rizz than I’ll ever have are mating and bringing offspring into this sad, cruel world. 

Fraternity formal Instagram posts are ravaging my feed and making me want to break my phone (again).

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All of these serve as reminders of my perpetual loneliness, and the only thing I’m bringing into this Spring is my villain arc. 

Watch out, Spring, I possess the means to fight back against your atrocities and just like all villains, I will reveal my plan to you. 

Step 1: Drugs

Nasacort and Nyquil serve as warriors who fight back against the evil pollen monsters and quell the wars going on in my nasal system. 

Step 2: Sunscreen

My whole life I have been cursed with ghastly pale skin causing me to contract sunburns almost chronically. In the many battles against the sun, 100 SPF sunscreen serves me valiantly, acting as my shield and my protector. Applying the sticky, white substance every 10 minutes will prevent me from the Spring sun’s rage. 

Final Step: Break my phone

I am blessed with the skill of breaking cell phones. I can’t be sad of my perpetual loneliness if I cannot see Instagram pictures of people pretending to be happy together at a frat formal. 

Boom. Screw you, Spring. 

Sincerely,

Your worst nightmare

john1595@miamioh.edu

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