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How to Ace Green Beer Day (and your Next Exam)

Green Beer Day. A Miami tradition we all love and honor. Despite being born out of the cruelty of the previous administration, Green Beer Day has become a beneficial addition to Miami University. 

Unfortunately, many Miami professors aren’t quite as festive as us college students. These grouchy professors hold exams or other events that hold a major weight over a person’s grade the day after Green Beer Day. 

Before you ask why your crusty old professor hates their students (and you in particular - yes, this is an attack on YOU) just listen to the foolproof advice that I’m about to provide you. I have experienced a number of Green Beer Days, and consider myself an expert on how to earn an A on the next day’s exam. 

The following techniques have been developed through decades of research (and a bit of trial and error). 

Tip #1: Get as little sleep as possible

While this tip goes against conventional wisdom, research actually shows that getting as little sleep as possible before your exam is the most effective way to get an A. 

I typically recommend staying up all night studying. Over the past few years, I have found that the brain actually increases knowledge retention, problem solving skills, critical thinking skills, and alertness when facing extreme sleep deprivation. Not to mention, your body will be running on high after making eye contact with the girl across the bar for half a second (she was definitely into you). 

So, while a bit of an unorthodox method, the lack of sleep on Green Beer Day will propel you to the next level on your exam. 

Tip #2: Drink at least a case of beer the night before your exam

Not only will your brain get a boost from the lack of sleep, but the minimum 12 beers you slam down will kick your thinking into overdrive. As everyone knows, alcohol slows down the firing of neurons. This proves to be incredibly beneficial to occur during an exam. You will be able to relax your thinking and take a bit more time than you usually would. 

As in many facets of life, this slowed pace leads to much more logical decisions during an exam. No longer will overthinking be an issue. Instead, you will easily be able to make calm, confident decisions. I recommend drinking the 12 beers as close to your exam as possible, or drink additional beers (so long as mommy and daddy are willing to pay for it). That way, your brain will be slowed to desired levels for your exam. 

Tip #3: DO NOT study for your exam

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If you are studying on Green Beer Day, you are incredibly uncool and completely wasting your time. If you drink the night before an exam, you are enabling your brain to forget about the previous night and remember topics that you learned about a week, nay months ago. 

Thus, studying would actually be harmful towards your grade, as that time could be spent drinking and remembering other things. Also, if you aren’t Uptown on Green Beer Day, you are obviously a nerd who needs to get with the times. You are only in college once, so you should enjoy it. While this is the time to make reckless decisions, staying in my residence hall and studying is not a risk I am willing to take. 

If you are wise and cool enough to follow these tips, not only will you have an amazing Green Beer Day, but you will ace your next exam. And remember, be sure to bring your fictitious ID, talk to as few girls as possible (especially ones you find attractive), and keep the beer flowing. I’ll see you out there.